What Super Bowl Would Be Complete Without Matchups?

Today it begins; this annual hailstorm of hypothesis, inundation of innuendo, gaggle of guesswork. Today is the first day of Super Bowl week, which means only one thing:

It’s time to throw out the first matchups.

Troy Aikman versus the Pittsburgh Steelers secondary. Erric Pegram versus the Dallas Cowboys linebackers.

Williams versus Williams. Johnston versus Johnson. Stone versus Lake. Greene versus Brown.

Brock versus Marion. Buck versus Stram. Downtown Julie Brown versus a life.

For the next week, every conceivable matchup in next Sunday’s Super Bowl XXX between the Cowboys and Steelers will be covered.

Consider yourself warned.

Formal vs. grunge: The Cowboys can trot out nearly a dozen uniform combinations, including special shirts with bold stars on the shoulders.

The Steelers? They don’t even have decals on both sides of their helmets.

Legend has it that the hypocycloid - the name for that multicolored steel symbol - appears only on the right side of the Steelers helmet because one guy on one day had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.

When the Steelers began using those helmets in 1962, an equipment man was reportedly too cranky to paint it on both sides. They went to the playoffs that year for only the second time in franchise history, and they superstitiously decided not to repaint.

Edge: The Steelers. Combined with the fact that Steelers owner Dan Rooney never combs his hair, you have a fashion combination considered unbeatable.

Math vs. madness: Earning the lowest base salary among Steelers starters is rookie guard Brenden Stai, who made $152,000 this season.

Earning the lowest base salary among Cowboy starters is, among others, cornerback Deion Sanders, who made $178,000.

Edge: All the owners who think Jerry Jones is jury-rigging the salary cap.

Headhunter vs. party hound: The most notable fine assessed the Steelers went against linebacker Greg Lloyd, who was billed $12,000 for leaving his feet and trying to remove Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre’s head.

The Cowboys’ most notable fine went against receiver Michael Irvin, who was charged a couple thousand for spiking a ball into a crowded section of seats.

Edge: Cowboys. Love those deadly touchdown dances.

Three Rivers vs. Three-Ring Circus: The Steelers play in a downtown stadium where traffic is a serpentine nightmare, where parking-lot attendants demand bribes, and where tailgate parties begin at 8 a.m. and last until the final drunk has thrown the final Iron City empty into one of the three rivers. The Cowboys play in a shiny suburban complex where the owner plans to build a football theme park so visitors can watch the team practice. And no tailgating. Not now, not ever.

Edge: Steelers. We hear they are going to name that new Cowboys monstrosity, “Jonestown.”

TV or not TV: Four Cowboys - Jones, Switzer, Irvin and Aikman - have local television shows. And 16 have radio shows, among them long-snapper Dale Hellestrae.

Three Steelers - coach Bill Cowher, John Jackson and Carnell Lake - have local television shows. Not one has a regular radio show.

Edge: Cowboys. There should be - if there already isn’t - a law against Cowher displaying his mug more than absolutely necessary.

Hug vs. shove: Chuck Noll, the great Steelers coach of yesteryear - he retired four years ago - holds the title of “administration advisor” and still shows up at the team’s facility to give advice and swap stories.

Tom Landry, the great Cowboys coach of yesteryear - he was fired six years ago - hasn’t set foot inside their offices since.

Edge: Steelers. Landry might have finally been inducted into the Cowboys Ring of Honor, but his treatment has been shameful.

Hug vs. shove II: Last year during the playoffs, Steelers defensive coordinator Dom Capers was hired as head coach of the Carolina Panthers. But he stayed with the Steelers until they were eliminated.

This year during the playoffs, Cowboys defensive line coach John Blake was hired as head coach of the Oklahoma Sooners. The Cowboys told him to take a hike. Immediately.

Brains vs. buddies: Although Cowher is not considered a brain, he is supported by Ron Erhardt, an offensive coordinator who won two Super Bowl rings with the New York Giants.

And his defensive coordinator, Dick LeBeau, nearly pulled one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history while coaching for the Cincinnati Bengals against the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIII.

The Cowboys’ Switzer? His offensive boss, Ernie Zampese, will be appearing in his first Super Bowl. And defensive boss Dave Campo, who played a supporting role in the Cowboys’ two Super Bowl victories this decade, will be coordinating his first Super Bowl.

Edge: The Steelers, although we said the same things last week for the same reasons about the Green Bay Packers.

Free vs. free: The Cowboys have six key free agents who will be playing for new contracts next year: safety Darren Woodson, cornerback Larry Brown, defensive tackle Russell Maryland and linebackers Robert Jones, Dixon Edwards and Darrin Smith.

The Steelers have three: quarterback Neil O’Donnell, tackle Leon Searcy and linebacker Jerry Olsavsky.

Edge: Steelers. The rest of the guys will be playing for a silly chance to make history. O’Donnell is playing for millions.

Bad vs. worse: The Cowboys’ backup quarterback, Wade Wilson, threw one touchdown pass with three interceptions for a 70.1 passer rating.

The Steelers’ backup quarterback, Mike Tomczak, threw for one touchdown with nine interceptions for a 44.3 passer rating.

Edge: Trainers for both teams, whose medical prowess will be spotlighted as they perform everything short of amputation to keep Aikman and O’Donnell in the game.

Old vs. older: The average age of the Steelers is 26.56, which ranks them 17th among 30 teams.

The average age of the Cowboys is 26.71, which ranks them 21st.

Edge: Cowboys. Because the average age of Steelers fans is 86.5.

Slacker vs. weirdo: Charles Haley, the Cowboys’ most feared defender, rarely shows up for practice, even when he’s not injured.

Lloyd, the Steelers’ most feared defender, has received pain-killing injections just to practice.

Edge: Cowboys. Everything about Lloyd scares us.

Headbuster vs. bootlicker: Jones has used such terms as wishy-washy and cheapskates in referring to the guys who run the NFL.

Dan Rooney refers to the league as, “A great American institution.”

Edge: Cowboys. Because the guys who run the league are wishy-washy cheapskates.

Spellcheck vs. spellcheecck: The Steelers have a Dion who spells it Deon (Figures), an Eric who spells it Erric (Pegram), a Ron who spells it Rohn (Stark), a Brendan who spells it Brenden (Stai) and a Dermonti who spells it Dermontti (Dawson).

The Cowboys have a Dion who spells it Deion (Sanders), an Eric who spells it Erik (Williams), a Darren who spells it Darrin (Smith) and a Darrell who spells it Daryl (Johnston).

Edge: The Cowboys, because Troy, Emmitt and Michael spell their names just right.

Branded biceps vs. nipple rings: Actually, just about every player in the game will be sporting some sort of tattoo or pierced body part, so call this a dead heat, with the loser being taste.

Barnum vs. Rooney: After losing cornerback Kevin Smith to a season-ending injury, the Cowboys signed free-agent Sanders to a contract worth up to $35 million, not including pizza commercials.

During the same time period, the Steelers lost cornerback Rod Woodson with an apparent seasonending injury. But they refused to even phone Sanders.

“It’s a circus,” Rooney said of the doings in Dallas. “We play football here in Pittsburgh. We’re not in the carnival business.”

Edge: Dallas. After Sanders makes a game-saving deflection next Sunday, Rooney will be able to step out of the loser’s locker room and see a real circus.

Shuffle vs. shake: Sanders’ two-step touchdown dance is now being imitated by other Cowboys and opponents alike … all but Switzer.

“It’s a dance I ain’t invited to,” he said.

Brentson Buckner’s “Quake and Shake” celebration dance for the Pittsburgh Steelers can only be imitated by those with the rolls of a serious beer drinker.

Edge: See “Butts vs. Guts.”

Reptiles vs. Retreads: The Steelers’ most popular calendar features 11 players and Cowher holding various snakes, lizards and turtles. We are not making this up.

The Cowboys’ most popular calendar features their cheerleaders in bikinis.

Edge: The Steelers, who don’t even have cheerleaders. God bless ‘em.

Wild Man vs. “Shaddup, Man”: Earlier this year, Cowher was so angry at the officials that he crumpled up a photograph of a blown call and shoved it into the pocket of referee Gordon McCarter.

Switzer hasn’t said a word to an official since he bumped one, incurring a penalty that cost the Cowboys in the National Football Conference Championship Game last year in San Francisco.

Edge: Cowboys. Since Switzer has kept his mouth shut, the team has won 14 of 18 games.

Seasoned vs. not: In their final 11 games, the Cowboys played seven teams that finished with winning records. They won five of those games.

In their final 11 games, the Steelers played two teams that finished with winning records. They won one of those games.

Edge: Which do you think? During the playoffs, the Steelers have looked every bit like a team that spent the regular season playing a Wizard of Oz schedule - Jaguars and Bengals and Bears, oh my!

Weird vs. weirder: The Steelers completed 14 passes this year to a quarterback.

The Cowboys completed three passes to a defensive back.

Edge: Love that Steelers fourth-string quarterback.

Steel vs. corn: Steelers fans call their team the “Stillers.”

Cowboy fans call their team the “Dallascowboys.” It’s never just Dallas, never just Cowboys, but both, run together like chicken-fried steak and that white stuff they pour over it.

Edge: The good people of Arizona, who will greet both sets of fans this week with the very understandable, “A credit card will be fine.”

Dumb vs. dumber: Joel Steed, Steelers defensive tackle, was suspended by the NFL for four games for violating the league’s policy on anabolic steroids.

Leon Lett, Cowboys defensive tackle, was suspended for four games and backup cornerback Clayton Holmes was suspended for the season for substance abuse.

Edge: Nobody. So much for an untainted champion.

Stone age vs. new Age: After the Steelers lost four of their first seven games, Cowher banned the use of cellular phones and pagers in the locker room and training complex.

The Cowboys talk on their cellular phones while walking off the field.

Edge: Steelers, who will be the only team in Arizona not complaining about distractions while making another call.

Venerable vs. vitriolic: In the 1940s, in an attempt to keep the sport alive during World War II, Rooney’s father, Art, shared his depleted team with the Philadelphia Eagles in 1943 - they were the Steagles - and Chicago Cardinals of 1944.

Jones is being sued by the NFL because he won’t share any of the money he makes from wearing Nike undershorts.

Edge: Guess.