Families Must Produce To Be Valued
Like a lot of my fellow corporate chiefs, I’ve been paying a lot of attention to my bottom line lately, and I don’t like what I’m seeing.
After careful scrutiny, I am sorry to report that my household is not achieving the kind of profits necessary to ensure its continued survival.
So I have decided to downsize.
It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s painful for me, as chief executive, to take these steps. But, we must remain a viable household.
I am prepared to offer the dog, who has been with us six years now, an opportunity to take advantage of our Voluntary Staff Reduction Program (VSRP). Under this program, she would be entitled to six months’ worth of Kibbles ‘n Chunks, and a year of veterinary coverage. I think this is more than fair. While she has been a good companion and has served us well - barking her brains out when someone is at the door - we have determined, with the help of a consulting firm, that it would be cheaper to fix the doorbell.
We apologize for having to cut you loose, but tough times call for tough measures, and it’s a dog-eat … well, maybe you don’t want to know what kind of world it is.
As for the cat, he has been on the payroll for close to 15 years, and, because of his age, is available for our Zero-based Attrition Program (ZAP). When he departs, his position - which is basically lying in front of the heat duct all day - will not be filled.
Unfortunately, those steps alone will not solve our problems. My two other staff members - my wife and son, 4 - shall remain. They are, after all, covered under the contract. They will, however, be required to tone down their spending, and they’ll have to put up with an endless stream of memos.
As chief executive, I have already issued three.
To my wife: A computer analysis of last month’s grocery expenditures shows that you are not purchasing generic brands of foodstuffs as often as you might, resulting in higher levels of spending than are necessary. In the future, please purchase only products with names such as Buy-Rite, Shop-Well, Thrifty-Made and Trust Us, It’s Edible.
To my son: It has come to my attention that during a recent mall trip, you rode the little kid train two times, at $1 a trip. This, according to a computer analysis, represents a total expenditure of $2. As this train goes around only in circles and has no real destination, this cannot be considered a legitimate travel expense. In the future, please restrict your traveling to vital trips, and use the least expensive and most direct means of transportation available.
To the household: In an attempt to save on energy costs this winter, indoor temperatures will be kept at 33 degrees. This is one degree above freezing so, while sweaters might be advisable, we expect no real harm to pipes or other infrastructure.
As for the telephone, electric, water, gas, mortgage and insurance companies, and other creditors, we have no choice but to stop or reduce payments on their bills.
When they call about it, they will get a recorded message, assuring them that, although their call is very, very important to us, we are unable to answer because we are too busy maximizing our profits.