Cheap Seats
Beggars can’t be recruiters
In the wake of recruiting season, someone asked BYU football coach LaVell Edwards if he preferred speed or quickness in his wide receivers.
“I’d like to have them both,” Edwards replied, “but if they had both they’d be at Southern Cal.”
Next promotion: Switch-hitters Night
Not just another date at the ballpark, Romance Night at Comiskey Park in Chicago gave new meaning to the term “squeeze play.”
As promotions go, this wasn’t Cap Night - it was Veil Night. More than 23,000 dearly beloved gathered to watch not only the White Sox and Angels, but also witness Lori Higgason and Don DiFiore be joined in holy matrimony. OK, so they actually got married for real June 1. But at Comiskey, Bill Buckner gave away the bride.
“What did they do for the honeymoon?” Angels pitcher Chuck Finley wondered. “Did he take her to a batting cage and pound out a couple dozen?”
But the big attraction - or distraction - was the kissing contest. The grand-prize winners, Laura Topor and Mike Kurtyak, won a suite for a night by holding hands and a baseball while racking up a complete-game smooch.
Yet not everyone was amused.
“You’ve got kids in the park and every 2 minutes on the scoreboard there’s a couple of 13-year-olds kissing,” groused Chisox shortstop Ozzie Guillen. “Sure, you want to bring people to the ballpark, but you have to think about it. It’s a family game and here you’re teaching kids how to make out.”
Yeah, find them more wholesome entertainment. Like Albert Belle.
Only in America
A bill authored by Arizona Sen. John McCain mandating safety measures for boxers has run into some opposition in the House. Rep. Bill Richardson (D-N.M.) was among the apprehensive lawmakers.
“Don King is in favor of this bill,” Richardson said. “That concerns me.”
Worse yet, he’s available for filibusters.
We don’t make this stuff up
Lawrence Phillips, the girlfriend-beating Nebraska running back and top draft pick of the St. Louis Cardinals, has retained Robert Shapiro of O.J. Simpson’s dream team to represent him on a drunk driving charge.
Nope, they still don’t get it
Lou Piniella expressed an interest in him, but there’s reason to believe outfielder Mark Whiten wouldn’t have been a good fit with the Mariners and is better off in Atlanta - his sixth organization in six years.
Whiten has a powerful bat and a strong throwing arm, but a poor reputation regarding his desire.
“I’m not an emotional guy,” Whiten admitted. “I could win the lottery and you wouldn’t know it.”
Hate to break it to you, Mark, but you’re in the big leagues. You have won the lottery.
The last word …
“Shaq isn’t the rebounder Wilt Chamberlain was, the shot-blocker Bill Russell was, or the scorer Kareem was, but just because Cindy Crawford isn’t the cook your mother was doesn’t make Cindy a loser.”
- Woody Woodburn, Venture County Star
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo