Halting The Hurt Spokane Needs To Supply Single Mothers With A Safety Net If We Are Ever Going To Stop Child Abuse

Several non-profit organizations in the Inland Northwest have been working together in recent months to promote healthy families. Today’s Perspective page offers advice from one expert on how to prevent child abuse and neglect. And one Spokane woman tells her story of how outside support enabled her to be a better mom.

The statistics are staggering - nine children died due to abuse or neglect in the Spokane area in 1995.

All of these children were killed by the mother’s unbonded male friend. It’s easy to label the responsible young men as sadistic monsters. But the reality is different. There are really two victims, one just survived longer than the other.

After interviewing one of these perpetrators, social workers see a confused, remorseful and sometimes angry person. He must pay his debt to society. But if we do not attempt to understand what brought him to this moment, surely there will be more dead babies in years to come.

The men have complicated and chaotic backgrounds. Often they are victims of child abuse and neglect. Influenced by the glorification of violence in our society, they are conditioned to react with aggression and anger to every frustration and setback in their lives.

The mother who gets involved with these men often has low self-esteem, no support and lacks the skills to master her surroundings. She believes she needs him, even though she may be supporting him. She is desperate to ease loneliness and isolation in her life and must constantly be assured of his love. Caring for her child is one way he can prove that he loves her.

The young man is left with a responsibility that he is not prepared for. He doesn’t know how to cope with a crying infant. He is overwhelmed. The more the child cries the higher his agitation and stress levels rise. His intent is never to hurt the baby. He often is as stunned as those around him at the results of his actions.

How can we stop this from happening? We must help young people avoid these potentially tragic situations. We cannot condemn the mother for her life choices. Many times she had no good options. The real issue is the baby. How can we keep him or her safe and unharmed?

We have to offer options for these mothers. We must be available for support and encouragement. We must ease her isolation and loneliness. We must provide child care that is non-judgmental and free.

We must gently ask her if she feels it is fair to put her boyfriend in a situation that he is not prepared for. Can he care for an infant while handling other stresses in his life? We refrain from judging their relationship.

We need to promote child development and parenting classes as an acceptable, “macho” activity. These resources should be available to our children before they begin parenting, preferably in the seventh and eighth grades. Education and support groups need to be available to parents and their partners in a format appropriate to their cultural and environmental surroundings.

We need to have more male elementary school teachers: Men who can model nurturing and patience. We have to stop raising boys who don’t know any other way to handle frustration than striking out. We must make it OK to ask for help. We have to address the problem of drugs in our society.

We must all begin to cultivate a sense of outrage at the daily violence in our own lives. We can no longer allow the degradation of women, children and minorities that passes as humor to be acceptable. In our relationships with our families we must begin to use positive re-enforcement instead of put-downs, gentle persuasion instead of yelling, firm and comprehendible words instead of swats, understanding and compassion instead of impatience, rational controlled behavior instead of anger and threats.

Every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Each child saved begins with one person who knows how to care. xxxx