If We Don’t Vote, He’ll Smite

In the beginning, before Bill Moyers’ televised Bible-study class made the cover of “Time,” even before anyone had heard of Common Cause, Candidate Adam and Candidate Eve lived so blissful a political existence that one knew not who was the Republican and who was the Democrat.

The Garden of Eden was a picture of civility. Birds filled the air, fish filled the waters, well-behaved animals roamed the land, and there were patronage jobs for all.

The man and the woman used not political consultants, yet they felt no shame.

And God said: You may take freely from every tree, except for the tree of negative campaigning and special-interest money, for if you do, you and your idealized democracy will be destroyed.

Now God said this just to Candidate Adam. And the shrewd serpent from K Street knew he could not peddle much influence there. So he tried an alternate approach.

“Yo, Eve!”

She was preparing an issue paper on maintaining the pristine environment on the banks of the river Euphrates. (It was to be a bipartisan plan, naturally.) The serpent’s question startled her.

“You really believe that this entire democracy will shrivel up and die if you accept some PAC money and buy air time on ‘ER?”’

“But that’s not what we’re supposed to do,” she replied. “We can draw from these other trees, and put up posters, and distribute position papers, and even engage in debates on public radio.”

The serpent pressed on. “How do you know Candidate Adam isn’t going to go negative on you?”

She looked up, disbelieving. The serpent drew closer, so close she could see the tassles on his snakeskin shoes and smell the newness of his fine leather jacket.

“I heard,” he continued, conspiratorially, “that he’s taken a wad of money from the River Tigris Action Committee, and he’s ready to film TV spots accusing you of plotting to sell off riverboat gambling licenses on the banks of the Euphrates.”

Now she was stunned. “Are you sure?”

“I have impeccable sources,” replied the creature with the penetrating eyes. His voice turned persuasive.

“You have to respond. You have to open the eyes of the voters, to help them know good and bad. I know it’s tough, but …”

And so, when Candidate Eve saw that the tree was ripe for picking, a source of wisdom for voters and, not incidentally, of $25,000 speaking engagements and a half-price Florida condo for herself, she bit.

When Candidate Adam heard what happened, well, he bit, too.

And God said: You’re on your own now.

Soon they no longer trusted each other. They spent more time fund-raising than drafting legislation and solving problems. The disagreements that once could be resolved quicker than Creation now required months of legislative hearings, followed by more months of power lunches.

The nastiness didn’t stop; it just become more expensive. Richard Nixon begat the Watergate burglars. The Republicans begat Willie Horton. The Democrats begat misleading AFL-CIO ads. And Dick Morris begat any number of manipulative strategies, before he was begotten himself.

God saw all this and shook His head, sadly. What a precious system He had crafted for them! How corrupted it had become!

Every attempt at reform created new strains of resistance. After Watergate, Congress laid down the law on PAC contributions, but that only gave rise to a rich, unlimited world of “soft money.” Years later, the President and the Speaker shook hands and pledged to be their brothers’ keepers, then went back to stuffing their respective pockets.

The Lord regretted he had created this democracy. A dictatorship might have been cleaner.

Along came Noah, a righteous man, singularly immune from the corruption. God told Noah that He would destroy the system, saving only Noah, his family, the requisite number of couples, and start anew.

Noah was interested. The chance to do away with Congress and Common Cause, with PACs and political consultants, was awfully tempting. He, personally, had been so disgusted by the negative campaigning and the amoral conduct of Senate candidates in New Jersey that he wasn’t sure he would even vote.

But, breaking with the script, Noah chose to argue with God.

“I know we’ve soiled this democracy,” he said. “And I know we’re all to blame - not just the bigmonied interests and the candidates they buy, but the voters who let themselves get sucked into believing that their sole responsibility as citizens is to watch 30-second TV spots tucked into football games.”

“But,” he continued, “there are people working hard to make the system better, and they’re not just do-good professors and ivory-tower editorial writers. There are a couple of congressional candidates in Iowa who took a vow against negative campaigning, and they’re keeping it! There are citizens who voluntarily give up their weekends to deliberate national issues!”

“And you, Lord, you who sees everything, must know that there are a few decent public servants in the land, who shun PAC contributions, who vote their consciences. Will you sweep away the innocent with the guilty? Will you destroy the whole system for want of a few good men and women?”

And Noah persuaded God to give the people another chance.

After “this” election, of course.

xxxx