Never Underestimate A Primary Care Giver’s Needs

You are working full time, humming right along - family, friends, plans for your tree time, plans for your retirement.

Your mom and dad are enjoying their own retirement. They are active, able and healthy.

And then it happens. One parent has a major break in health and is unable to care for him- or herself.

What do you do now? Where do you go? Whom do you talk to?

Many baby boomers, as they reach middle age, suddenly and unexpectedly find themselves in this situation. So do many healthy spouses. What things do they need to consider before making important decisions?

First, for the children, it means that the person whom you counted on to take care of you, share with you and spend time with you does not exist anymore - or exists in a limited way. You are going to change roles.

Many midlifers have a hard time with this change in perspective. I remember trying to explain to my brothers and sisters that dad was not quite the same. He was having a hard time with short-term memory and physical demands.

Several wanted to put their own spin on it, denying that it was so.

“He just wanted his way, and that’s why he acted like that.”

“If he’d just get out of the chair and stop acting lazy, he’d be OK. Why doesn’t he go to the senior center and get active?”

“He could get himself dressed, if Mom just wouldn’t spoil him.”

If you admit there is a change, then it means you can no longer deny that you have to step in and offer help. It is a critical time in a “child’s” life. Children have always pictured dad or mom as capable, physically able and mentally alert people. This picture has to be readjusted. You become parent, and parent becomes child, dependent on you for good decisions and advice.

It is easy for children to ignore the healthy parent, and allow him or her to shoulder all of the burden because that is what a spouse is supposed to do. And it is easy for the healthy parent to think he or she should be able to take on the extra task of nursing.

But the healthy parent will not last unless some safety nets are installed. Children should sit down with the healthy parent and realistically discuss all of the options.

Finances need to be discussed openly. How much money do parents have available for extra care and help? What is covered by the medical insurance and for how long? Is a long-term-care policy in place? What is the wording in the policy? When would it kick in? What happens when the money runs out? What does extra help cost and what kind of help do they need?

It would be ideal to do all this before an illness strikes.

Many times, parents have a hard time when changes are necessary. Sometimes they do not cooperate.

My father, while very ill, did not realize how much his illness was affecting mom. He didn’t see the need to pay for help with housekeeping and lawn care. He did not see the need for or want extra people in to help with his care. He made it very difficult on mom. I had to step in and be mom’s advocate. I had to tell dad that he had no choice - either hire the help or be moved from his home.

He did not like hearing this, but mother could not go on with the whole burden of nursing care and home maintenance. Sometimes the care-giving parent will sabotage your plans for help.

When I hired a housekeeper for mom, she kept wanting to cancel the help because it was an intrusion on her privacy. I had to insist that she have the help. She would say she wanted the housekeeper to come on Mondays. Then, after two weeks, she would change her mind and want her to come on Wednesdays.

Then she didn’t want her to come at all.

Children have to be very firm with the parent who is ill and sometimes with the care giver, too. It is not an easy job. Sometimes you will be disliked.

If the decision is to keep the parent in the home, children need to help the healthy parent set things up. Maybe extra workers can be hired. A housekeeper or gardening service can really extend the healthy parent’s time for more important duties.

Children must remember, though, that they need to donate time, help or money if the sick parent is going to stay in the home. Care giving takes a lot out of the parent who is well. Groceries, shopping, haircuts, cooking and trips to doctors become nearly impossible tasks when one is taking care of a loved one full time. The care giver never gets time away from the task.

Children should set up times when they can relieve the care-giving parent so she or he can have a break. Even if the healthy parent says he or she can do it all, don’t believe it or allow it to happen. They will lose their health in the process.

Children need to keep in constant contact with the care-giving parent. They will also have to step in when the care giving becomes too difficult.

This is a challenging time for the whole family. If children and parents pull together, they will all adjust to the change. It takes time and a lot of patience.

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Mary L. Martin Contributing writer