Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Go ahead, cast the first stone

As the forgiving wife of Dick Morris said last week, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Oh, right. Who among us has not hired a $200 hooker and tried to suck on her toes while feeding her inside political information?

Yeltsin’s new heart

Turns out that Boris Yeltsin needs open-heart surgery. That explains how he came up with his Chechnya policy. Not enough blood has been reaching his brain.

Another clear victory for Saddam

Once again, Saddam has declared another glorious victory against the Satan-pig-dog forces of the United States. This unprovoked attack did not harm the will and resolve of the valiant Iraqi nation! It did, however, destroy its air-defense system.

Flush it, dude! Clinton’s going to catch us!

Dole blames Clinton for the increase in teen drug use. So let me get this straight: The government is not our nanny. The family is the nation’s basic moral unit. Yet if your kid shoots heroin, it’s the president’s fault.

It’s a sign of maturity

One of those mysterious “Chris was here” signs showed up in the Spokane City Council restroom, which may mean that Chris Anderson has paid at least one visit to a council seat lately.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s satirical look at issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer.