Bard Appalled At Easy-To-Read ‘Caesar’

Greetings! I am that brilliant, world-famous, critically-acclaimed, humble playwright, William Shakespeare, temporarily borrowed from the dead to review MY story, “Julius Caesar.” So even though what’s-his-name’s picture appears by this review, I, William Shakespeare, wrote it.

“Caesar” has been, ahem, “modernized” by Alan Durband (a word to Mr. Durband: Don’t mess with perfection). Adding further to this blasphemy, some of my other works have been “modernized” in a series called “Shakespeare Made Easy.” Talk about defeating a purpose! My entire career is based on being the bane of students everywhere!

My brilliant works appear on the left pages of “Caesar,” and Mr. Durband’s are on the right pages. Lines like “Et tu, Brute?” are decoded to mean, “What? You too, Brutus?”

Mr. Durband also includes blocking (stage movements) on his side of the book. How DARE he?! The reader can now understand what the characters are doing as well as saying!

All I can say about this format is that readers with better taste will not be able to turn their heads to the right after a while.

At least the plot is the same. Brutus and Cassius are still the conspirators against Caesar, and there is still Caesar’s bloodly assassination. My dear friend, Attila the Hun, or Hunny, as I call him, just loves that part! Hunny always was a little bizarre.

After Caesar falls, his killers are unable to persuade his successors, Marc Antony and Octavius Caesar, that Rome itself should be glorified, not just an individual. The Romans turn against the killers and civil war ensues.

The story is brilliant! I’m still against modernization, but Matthew Weaver says it enabled him to read “Caesar” without getting a headache. The aspirin industry will be outraged!