Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

They nailed those bomb defendants

I keep hearing people say that those Valley bombing defendants “got away with it,” which is patently untrue. They were convicted of several serious parking violations.

That name should have been a dead giveaway

Actually, the defendants will be tried again, but now prosecutors have revised their strategy. This time, when any potential juror gives his first name as “Phineas,” he’ll be dismissed.

Enjoying Spokane’s fine park system

Speaking of local criminal cases, I see where Tom DiBartolo is out on bail. He has to stay in his home between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. each day, but the rest of the time he is free to take long romantic walks in the park.

Their consumer research is done by the actuarial department

Why is anyone surprised that tobacco companies marketed aggressively to teens? You would market to teens, too, if your customers tended to die once they became adults.

New get-tough truancy policy in Spokane schools

Reminder to Spokane school students: Monday is a makeup day. If you don’t show up for school, you must have a note proving you were in Maui.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.