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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Talk But Be Gentle

Ladies' Home Journal

“Curt has frozen me out of his life completely, and I can’t stand it anymore,” says Jessica, 34, who’s been married to Curt for four years. “Day after day, he comes home from work at the department store, eats his dinner, says absolutely nothing to me and disappears down to the basement where his beloved computer is.”

According to Jessica, she and Curt have no family life at all. “We have no social life, either and we never even go out together for dinner. If I even bring it up, Curt just grunts.”

What really hurts is when Curt says Jessica’s trying to run his life. “Well, if I don’t, who will?” she wonders. “You’d think I lived alone the way I have to handle everything. We have two doors that will hardly shut, and the paint is peeling so badly on the outside of the house But I can’t get Curt to do a thing.” The tension at home has become so great that, lately, Curt has been sleeping on the couch in the basement. Needless to say, they haven’t had sex for longer than she cares to say.

Jessica feels she’s living up to her end of the marital bargain: She straightens up the house before Curt gets home, makes dinner and keeps the kids quiet so he can concentrate on whatever it is that’s so important.

“Nothing helps,” she sighs. “Curt erupts in rage at the slightest thing. When I defend myself or suggest talking about it, he yells louder.”

She sees Curt’s unhappiness, but finds herself losing the will to talk to him.

“What’s so ironic is that being able to talk to each other always came so easily,” Jessica says.

Curt, 40, is just as angry as Jessica is, but he can’t explain why:

“It figures that my marriage would go as badly as everything else in my life,” he says, shaking his head. “Jessica thinks I don’t care about my family, but she’s wrong. Home is the only sanctuary I have. But believe me, I have no idea why I start arguments with Jessica. I hate myself afterward.”

Curt admits that he disappears into his basement office whenever he can, partly to escape from his life, partly to learn a new career that might be more rewarding, emotionally and financially, than his current one. “I hate my job, and it gets worse every day. It’s very frustrating,” he explains.

But whereas his wife used to understand him so well, now he feels like he’s living with a stranger who barks orders, makes sarcastic comments and, it seems, “snaps at me for getting up in the morning,” Curt complains.

Jessica was the only person to whom Curt ever bared his soul.”

But now the marriage is off-kilter and neither Jessica nor Curt know how to set it back on course.

The wounding power of words

“Jessica has been tolerating a difficult situation for a long time but, while she’s aware of her husband’s frustration and is sympathetic to it, she thinks his anger is directed at her,” explains Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage therapist and coauthor of “How Could You Do This to Me?” (Doubleday, 1997) In fact, Curt is mad at the world and frustrated with his work situation and, rather than face these realities, he’s isolating himself and avoiding life as much as he can.

These two have lost the ability to communicate.

It sounds simple, but many couples fail to realize that the things they say to each other during the unremarkable, routine moments of their day have the power to push them apart - or pull them closer. These simple responses could open communication, heal hurt feelings and sort out conflicts.

So, really listen. Make eye contact. Show genuine interest.

Many men assume their wives are talking to them because they want to know what to do; more often than not, they just want to be heard. In this marriage, the sides were reversed: Curt was upset and depressed about his career, but Jessica is unable to listen without pointing out what he should do differently, in effect, suffocating any attempts Curt makes to tell her how he feels.

Don’t forget that no matter how often, you’ve said it, everyone needs a genuine, heartfelt compliment - a reminder of how much they are appreciated. Don’t let anger undermine love. Apologize.

Jessica and Curt began to set aside time on a daily basis for talking to each other - without the kids or other distractions. In time, Jessica learned to talk and judge less, and to really listen to Curt. The more he practiced his verbal skills and Jessica her listening ones, the more they were able to put them to good use. As she stopped being the “fixer” in this marriage, he came out of his self-imposed isolation and gained more confidence.