Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Was this the best deal Gingrich could put together?

Bob Dole loaned Newt Gingrich $300,000 on the understanding that Gingrich would repay the loan after he steps down as speaker in 2002. Heck, if he’d agree to step down today, I’ll bet he could come up with $48 million in donations.

The John Birchers have a clearcut new vision for America

The John Birch Society now says environmentalists have replaced communists as the enemy. In fact, the group has changed its name to the Sawn Birch Society.

She can always storm Capitol Hill, if necessary

Janet Reno is unfazed by congressional Republican criticism of her recent decisions. She said she has done the right thing, and besides, she has far too much firepower to care.

A final solution to this cigarette lawsuit mess

Here’s a summary of the tobacco company’s proposed settlement offer: We’ll provide a compensation fund. Then you can drop dead.

I can understand why people might feel slighted

Quite a flap has erupted over that “Joe Fan” sculpture at Albi Stadium. Both genders, it seems, want the honor of being depicted as having nothing better to do than to sit on their butts in the bleachers and watch football.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.