A Few Services We Could Really Use
One of my former bosses, a man who travels much and stresses easily, used to talk longingly of a fantasy airport service that he was certain “would make millions.”
Alongside the shoeshine stands, news kiosks and bars, he envisioned a 10-foot-tall stuffed teddy bear. It would be covered with plush but not overly thick fur. Warm water would be pumped through the bear’s insides so that it would feel like a living thing when you activated it with your dollar bill or credit card.
The service: The bear would enfold you in its soft, reassuring arms, hold you for a full minute and say over and over, “There, there.”
I was reminded of the bear the other day when I was out at lunch, being a mall rat. A string quartet of amiable young Russians played soothing classical music for an appreciative audience in the basement of the San Francisco Centre.
Several people wore a look of such gratitude on their weary faces - and smiled so sweetly as they dropped money into the musicians’ tip box - that it set me to thinking about the bear and similar services.
What else might people pay a dollar or two for, in hope of quick respite or revitalization?
Baby holding
Almost every woman I know, and a good number of men, love to hold babies. Not wailing ones, for three hours in the middle of night, but cooing or sleeping babies.
For just a few minutes. Long enough to brush your cheek against theirs. To inhale the perfume of their sweet, wispy hair. To touch - just for an instant - the eternal, innocent hope of life itself.
If a baby-holding stand were in the basement of the mall, I’d patronize it every day. Probably substitute it for my afternoon coffee.
A spin around the dance floor
As a veteran of social functions, I’ve noticed how popular people are who like to dance. Men especially. It doesn’t matter how old or infirm they are or what vows they obey.
Depending on where you located it, I’d predict brisk business for a little store where you could step in, put down your briefcase or handbag and dance just one dance with someone who was really good at it.
Fast or slow, you’d choose. No conversation. Just the opportunity to lose yourself for a few minutes in a dance.
Hammering or flower arranging
If it’s noise and action you need, you pay a couple of bucks to hammer six pieces of wood together to make a box. (If you are really stressed, you can ask for the “reverse service” - rip apart a box that somebody else nailed together.) It should take only a few minutes. You don’t keep the box, just the memory of the satisfaction of the exercise.
Same with the flowers, if it’s a more genteel pursuit you crave. The stand provides the flowers - dozens of the most expensive, colorful and exotic - you arrange them beautifully. Then you leave them.
For those who cannot just walk away from their creation, however, the stand could provide a Polaroid photo of your arrangement. For an extra dollar, of course.
Yell at “The Boss”
This would be a variation on that old Monty Python routine where people paid to have arguments or to take verbal abuse. The shop owner would need only a soundproof room, maybe 12 feet square, with a couple of chairs and a mesh screen.
Behind the screen, a male or female voice - you choose; it’s your “boss” - says in a crabby, asking-for-it tone: “You got something you wanna say to me?”
Boom. You get three minutes to let fly. You can swear, take the cheapest of shots - yes! his bald spot; the way she snorts when she laughs - bring up every transgression since 1978 and finish with what you would love to do if only you had a 2-by-4 and couldn’t get caught.
When you were done venting, you could probably use some sympathetic TLC. The big bear would be right next door. It could be a package deal.