Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

We’re mad as hell about pollution or at least its designation

The EPA designated Spokane a “serious” carbon monoxide polluter, so we’re finally going to take some action. We’re going to whine and moan about how unfair the EPA is.

Carbon monoxide is an image problem, not a lung problem

If I understand this issue correctly, the real problem with noxious air is not that it slowly strangles the precious life out of our bodies. It’s that word might leak out to International Widgets, which will then decide not to locate a branch office here.

Could this be another in a string of cured meat crimes?

Did you hear about that woman in Illinois who is accused of trying to kill her boyfriend by greasing the top of her staircase? The story did not specify the kind of grease used, but those of us in the Inland Northwest have to wonder: Was this yet another bacon-related murder attempt?

Why didn’t somebody think of this brilliant plan before?

This idea to turn EWU into a branch of WSU makes a lot of sense. Take away EWU’s identity, make it a minor outpost of a soulless conglomerate, and students will flock to it.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.