College Daze Plowing Through A College Application? Don’t Forget Aunt Bessie’s Cat

This country is full of colleges and universities that are absolutely “the best!” They all have the friendliest professors, the most interesting classes, and the most involved and caring student body. At least that’s what their viewbooks imply. How does anyone even choose a college, let alone attend?

Unfortunately, deciding which colleges actually are the best is the easy part. After this grueling process, there is the task of applying.

For those fortunate souls who have yet to encounter the college application, let me assure you that it involves much more than a name, address and Social Security number. It is imperative that college admissions officers also know the name of your aunt’s cat, how many of your siblings are enrolled in a Swahili course and the age at which you were potty-trained (it’s indicative of your intellect). It’s also important for them to know every activity you’ve been involved in since birth.

When all of these simple questions are answered, you must also submit a barrage of recommendations from teachers and community leaders. If I wasn’t so busy remembering exactly which Brownie patches I earned in second grade, I would feel sorry for these poor high school teachers. They are asked for about 60 recommendations every year. It’s a wonder the suicide rate among teachers is so low.

But wait, there’s more. Most colleges also find it necessary to give you the opportunity to explain something about yourself, in order that they may “get acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data.” Now, isn’t that kind of them?

These aren’t always simple topics. “Based on your involvements and life experiences, describe the unique contributions you believe you can make to this college’s community.”

What?

It’s actually very clever. I bet admissions officers all over the country are laughing at the hilarious practical joke they’ve played on 1998’s college applicants. OK, yeah, that’s pretty funny. Now send us the real applications. You know, the ones with your name, address and Social Security number.