Cheap Seats

Sending in the saliva police

They don’t know it yet, but the baseball players for the expansion Arizona Diamondbacks are going to be hearing from crusading Joe Paul.

Paul is an anti-spitting zealot, and he means to establish the new Bank One Ballpark as an expectorant-free zone. The Sun City resident plans to compel state officials to enforce an obscure Arizona law that calls for saliva scofflaws to be fined or jailed.

Not only is the spitting so common among baseball players disgusting, Paul says, it’s “part of the societal breakdown.”

But officials with the Arizona Department of Health Services are skeptical about sending inspectors to bust spitting and scratching baseball players.

“What are we supposed to do?” a spokesman asked. “Jail people? For spitting? The state has far more serious health problems to deal with than with ballplayers spitting all over Bank One Ballpark.”

Maybe Paul should pay a visit to expectorant extraordinaire Bill Romanowski of the Denver Broncos.

It’s a daily drama in Peyton’s place

Not to suggest that Tennessee fans are sore losers, but …

In the wake of Peyton Manning’s surprise loss in the Heisman Trophy voting, the entire state appears to be in mourning.

An editorial cartoon in the Chattanooga Times depicted sports writers who voted for Michigan’s Charles Woodson as “The Heistmen.”

Best of the worst

Tennis magazine recently surveyed players on the WTA and ATP tours, asking a variety of questions. Some results:

Best ugly shot: Pam Shriver’s forehand was voted first among the women. Her ugly footwork placed second. Brad Gilbert’s game style was second-most ugly among the men. Gilbert, it should be remembered, wrote a book, “Winning Ugly.”

Best player to hit the pubs with: Jennifer Capriati among the women and “any Aussie” among the men.

And one more from the courts

The Tennis magazine survey asked players the best way to beat Andre Agassi in 1997. The answer? Play him.

A selective protest

Australian tennis player Pat Cash has never been known to pull verbal punches. His speech after accepting his winner’s check at the Salem Open began:

“I’d like to thank the sponsors, even though I think it’s a disgrace to smoke cigarettes.”

But not so much of a disgrace to turn down the money.

Swimming with the big fish

There are 205 people on the Miami Dolphins’ sideline during any given game. Ever wonder who they are?

According to Sport magazine, among the multitudes are: 50 cameramen, four network coordinators, eight cord holders (to prevent coaches from getting tangled up in headset wires), 10 security people, and two Cool Zone outdoor cooling system technicians.

Presumably, they need one Cool Zone tech for the machines and one for Jimmy Johnson’s temper.

The last word …

“The latest rumor is that the Celtics want to sign Latrell Sprewell. Because that way he gets the nickname Boston Strangler.”

- Jay Leno

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo