Much More Than Just An Education

Why do kids go to school? Most people would say, naively “To get an education.”

Well, I know better. “What?” you’re saying to yourself, “You mean that’s not why we go to school?” Nope. Recently I realized that school is truly an elaborate set-up to weed out, punish and rehabilitate America’s future criminals before their capacity for evil becomes too overwhelming for us to combat.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Surely you must be joking.” I kid you not. Shocking isn’t it? In fact, a few of these vile offenders have recently been exposed. In North Carolina, first-grader and future Charles Manson, Jonathan Prevette was suspended on the grounds of sexual harassment after kissing a fellow classmate on the cheek. When questioned about the incident, he had the audacity - the unmitigated gall - to claim not to know what sexual harassment is.

The list goes on to include Brooke Olson, a junior high student in Texas suspended for bringing Advil to school, and 5-year-old Virginia student Ryan Hudson, suspended because he brought a beeper to school (which he alleges to have brought for show and tell) even after the “no beeper” policy had been clearly outlined for him. I know, it’s disgusting.

Wait a minute, what’s that you say? Those punishments were cruel and unwarranted? Could it be true that administrators were unrealistic in handling these situations?

Well, now that I consider it, that does seem to be the case. I can find no justification for suspending a girl for four months because she gave another girl a Midol tablet. Believe me, if a girl is looking for Midol, you don’t want to get in her way.

Similarly, it was ridiculous to suspend 7-year-old D’Andre Dearinge for kissing a little girl in his class. True, he also ripped a button off her skirt, but he did so because he had read the book “Corduroy” which is about a bear who lost his button.

In this day and age when kids are bringing guns to school, it seems absolutely asinine to punish good, innocent kids for such petty offenses. I would give my right arm to see some of that energy focused on something productive.

Let’s not discourage good students by treating them in this fashion. In the immortal words of Pink Floyd, “Leave them kids alone.”