The Ultimate In Power Shopping
NEWS FLASH: Major contributors to the Democratic Party were treated to coffee klatches with the president or overnight stays in the Lincoln Bedroom.
“Hi! And welcome to the White House Shopping Network, I’m Diane Permabond, and tonight we have a very special guest in our studios. It is my honor to welcome the president of the United States, Bill Clinton. Should I call you ‘Mr. President’ or ‘Bill’?”
“‘Bill,’ ‘Mr. President,’ ‘Fluffy Bear’ - heck, a pretty gal like you can call me anything you’d likeas long as you don’t call me late for supper. A little Arkansas humor there, Diane.”
“Good one, Mr. President. Now the reason you’re with us tonight is to kick off an exclusive, one-night-only promotion that is available only on the White House Shopping Network. For the next two hours, our shoppers are going to have the opportunity to become a part of history.”
“That’s right, Diane. And hey, my fellow Americans, there are approximately 1,430 days left in my administration. After that, another family will be occupying the White House. So that means there are less than 1,500 days left for you and your loved ones to visit the White House. And that’s why I’m here tonight.”
“As our regular viewers know, in the past we’ve offered coffee with the president and overnight stays in the Lincoln Bedroom - and hundreds of you have purchased a memory that will last a lifetime. Our satisfied customers include Chevy Chase, Tom Hanks, Barbra Streisand, Steven Spielberg, even Ted Turner.”
“Right, Diane! But Hollywood celebrities aren’t the only ones who have enjoyed a latte with me and the vice president. A lot of average citizens have also taken advantage of these unique offers, Why, practically everyone in Arkansas with a six-figure bank account has been personally tucked in by Hillary and me in the Lincoln Bedroom.”
“Thanks for making that clear, Mr. President. Only in America! And tonight we’re going to expand the opportunities for citizens of the U.S.A. - our great country - to buy their way into the White House. Why don’t you tell the viewers about some of the exciting new shopping opportunities?”
“Diane, as you can see here I have a detailed map of the White House, showing all the historical rooms now available for rent.”
“Wow! Mr. President, the White House really is a big house, isn’t it?”
“Big, Diane, but comfortable - and affordable too for many of today’s millionaires and specialinterest free spenders. Let’s take a look here at the first floor, officially known as the State Floor. If you’re looking for a nice banquet hall for your daughter’s wedding or your son’s bar mitzvah, I’d recommend the State Dining Room. You can even use the adjacent Red Room for cocktails.”
“Why, Bill, I’d imagine a room like that would rent for at least $100,000 a night.”
“Normally it would, Diane. But tonight, the State Dining Room is available for not $100,000, not $90,000, not $80,000, but only $75,000 per evening. I must be crazy.”
“That’s it! You’re insane! That rent is just too low!”
“Too late now Diane, we’ve already made the offer. Give us a call now at 1-800-555-PREZ, operators are standing by.”
“You’ve also got a map of the second floor.”
“Mr. President, let’s take a call. Hi, who’s this?”
“My name is Billy Joe Bob Williams, and I just reserved the State Dining Room for New Year’s Eve! Yahoooo! I bought a coffee talk with President Bill in ‘95 and I sure did get my money’s worth. Do you remember me, Mr. President? I’m the one who spilled that pitcher of orange juice on Al Gore’s foot.”
“Oh yes, of course I remember you. I’m glad you had a good time - and thanks for your purchase this evening.”
“Can we talk a bit about the tobacco industry? We’re getting squeezed —”
“Oh, I’m sorry, we got cut off there. Once again, I’m Diane Permabond and this is the White House Shopping Network. Stay tuned, because in the next hour we’re going to tell you how you can buy the opportunity to actually BE the president for one hour of non-crisis time during the Clinton administration.”
“Non-crisis! That’s a good one, Diane.”
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