After All, Puget Crowd Shares Wealth
Dear Eastern Washington Voters, Plus You Voters In All Those Other Counties Out In The Boondocks Who Voted Against The Stadium:
Can’t we all just get along? Let’s put aside provincial prejudices we have about each other, which is the real reason this week you voted against the football stadium.
We here in Seattle know what you country kin think of us: Liberal, rich spendthrifts who haven’t found a tax we didn’t like. And now we wanted a $425 million stadium. The pigs on your farm would turn into goats before you notched a “yes” vote on that boondoggle.
Sure, the stadium wasn’t going to cost you country kin anything, being paid with hotel room taxes in King County and stuff the city slickers called “user” fees.
Sooooey! No way you were going to let us have that stadium.
Just because. Just because the last time you were in Seattle, you got ripped off $8 for parking downtown. You know how much it costs to park in downtown Wilbur, Lincoln County, population 885? Nothing, because they don’t even have parking meters!
Oh … can’t we stop this provincialism? Let us be inclusive, not divisive.
(By the way, can I take a moment to tell you about having brunch at that wonderful new Froo-Froo-cuisine sidewalk cafe in the avant-garde Broadway District? It’s an irresistibly cute little place right next to the tattoo parlor that has afternoon nose-ring specials for eighth-graders. The Froo-Froo rolls are simply marvelous! And so reasonable! Our tab was only $85 a person!)
We here in the Greater Seattle area understand how, now that the election is over, you country kin would feel particularly burned. Out of 39 counties, there were only seven that voted for the stadium, and most of those counties were within a rapid-transit ride from being panhandled in Pioneer Square.
Unfortunately for you country kin, most of those seven counties also are where a majority of the state’s population lives. A subdivision in Bellevue has more people than most towns in Eastern Washington.
The only Eastern Washington county that voted for the stadium was Benton County. What was so different about Benton County that made folks decide they wanted a world-class stadium in this state?
I asked Bobbie Gagner, the county auditor, if there was anything distinctive about voters there. Well, she replied, what with the Hanford Atomic Energy Center, the county had “a lot of scientists and highly degreed people.”
Now, some prejudiced Seattle types might say that having more smarts is why Benton County stood alone among the boondocks counties. I say, let’s not stoop to that kind of name calling. That makes us no better than the chickens found wandering around most yards in Eastern Washington.
Instead, with our newfound voting clout, I propose that we Puget Sounders hold other special elections to show our boondock kin how much we appreciate them, and that all is forgiven about the stadium vote.
Well, lookee here: It’s a story I called up on one of them newfangled computers we like to use in Seattle. It’s about the 2.9 million acre-feet of water that each year is delivered to 4,000 farmers in the Columbia Basin Irrigation Project. This here story says the average farm in that project has received a taxpayer subsidy of at least $2.1 million.
Whoa! Since most of the taxpayers in this state live around Seattle, it sure sounds as if farmers over there are gettin’ dollars from folks here.
And that’s not all. This here other story says these same farmers get to buy electricity at 1/27th the wholesale price! Yipes! That’s better than Costco could do!
So, I’m thinking: How about we hold a special election about whether farmers in Eastern Washington should pay fair market price for irrigation water and electricity?
I truly believe that’s how we can build a bridge across this cultural divide separating us city folk from the boondocks.
When those farmers figure they might have to start paying 27 times more for electricity, hey, I’ll bet they will find plenty to like about Froo-Froo cuisine and $425 million football stadiums.
xxxx