‘Ken’s Excellent Adventure’ Hilarious

Where are Groucho Marx or the Three Stooges or Laurel & Hardy now that we need them?

If they make a movie of Kenneth Starr’s life as independent counsel, you’d need some of Hollywood’s classic comedians to play Starr and his merry madcaps. This would be pure slapstick, with pratfalls, split pants and coconut pies in the face.

But no celluloid comedy could match the real-life burlesque of “Ken’s Excellent Adventure” as Starr blunders on in pursuit of Bill Clinton.

Maybe it would be funnier if Starr hadn’t spent three years and more than $20 million (including his $115,000-a-year stipend) trying to nail the president and/or Hillary Clinton.

But if Starr’s settled as Prosecutor for Life, he’s dependable. More than “Seinfield” or “Home Improvement,” you can count on Starr and his cutup lawyers to deliver yak-a-minute plots.

Let’s see, in an earlier reel Starr decided to quit for a cushy job at Pepperdine U. bankrolled by right-wing Pennsylvania tycoon Richard Mellon Scaife. When Republicans howled that he was chickening out, Starr reversed himself with a Jimmy Durante softshoe step.

Like all great comedians, Starr has mastered the art of oddball unpredictability.

This week, he won a supposed victory when the Supreme Court forced Hillary to turn over her lawyerly conversations. Some “victory” - I’m told the first lady’s gab was as exciting as an Amtrak timetable.

Never mind Starr’s minor grotesqueries, his odd speeches to conservative audiences, the self-serving leaks to the New York Times, the constant hints he’s ready to indict Mr. and Mrs. Big. As an independent counsel, he’s done more blatant advertising than Mad Max’s Used Car lot.

But Starr’s latest role as a bumbling sexual inspector proves he’s a comedic genius.

According to the Washington Post, Starr assigned a squad of bird dogs and FBI agents to grill “12 or 15” women who might have been Clinton’s Arkansas girlfriends, plus state troopers who might have set up the ex-guv’s dalliances.

What could look sleazier and more power-mad than an independent counsel digging into a president’s personal and marital life? Everyone suspects Clinton was a Lothario in earlier days, but what crime is Starr pursuing - Bill didn’t send flowers the next morning?

Naturally, Starr blasted the story as “not correct.” He may have been interviewing Arkansas ex-beauty queens, but “only as subjects who might possess factual information.”

Let me get this straight: During so-called pillow talk, Gov. Clinton said to a damsel, “By the way, today I set up an illegal $300,000 loan, but if I get to be president I’ll deny it.” And Starr’s going to put this Arky belle on the witness stand?

One of Starr’s interviewees was Paula Corbin Jones, famous for alleging Clinton made improper advances in a hotel room. I don’t know the truth of Jones’ charge, but I doubt Gov. Clinton said in their 15-minute encounter, “Give me what I want, and I’ll tell you how Jim McDougal and I ripped off the Madison S&L.”

Another of Starr’s prized canaries is Gennifer Flowers, the blond chanteuse who had her 15 minutes of gab-for-cash fame in 1992. Again, I don’t know if Flowers’ tale of their 12-year romance is true, but I’m skeptical that when lights were low, they chattered about Whitewater loan rates.

Roger Perry, one trooper Starr’s gumshoes interrogated, said, “I was left with the impression they wanted to show he (Clinton) was a womanizer. … All they wanted to know about was women.”

Face it, Clinton is an indirect victim, hit by a ricochet from Starr’s antics. The renewed furor over real or presumed infidelities damages his moral authority at a moment he’s preaching to the country about race, honor and civility.

But Starr’s peeping Tom prurience discredits him so thoroughly, it’s time Republicans said, “Enough is enough - wind up your investigation or resign.”

Instead, silence.

Democrats are properly outraged. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass, and Senate Minority Leader Tom Dachle, D-S.D., fumed that Starr was a partisan and out of bounds. Clinton lawyer Bob Bennett called it “a frightening abuse.” The prez’s motormouth defender James Carville raged, “It’s a Peewee Herman prosecution. It’s either desperate or weird.”

Both. But I’m waiting for some Republican leader, exasperated by Starr’s panty raid, to say, “Closing time, Ken - put up, shut up or quit.” Why so mum?

Oh, well, Starr’s comedy flick (“Honey, I Shrunk the Justice System”) may be a box office smash. I can see the opening scene - Starr in Sherlock Holmes cap chasing bimbos through an Arkansas cotton field. Watch for it on HBO.

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