Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Sun., March 2, 1997

By Jim Kershner jimkershner@comcast.net

The latest on Clinton’s scandals, at least so far

Our all-scandal edition of Bottom Lines continues this week with brief, easy-to-understand explanations of the latest scandal developments. (Not responsible for all Clinton scandals breaking after 10 p.m. PST Saturday).

The fund-raising scandal, made simple

Synopsis of Democratic fund raising scandal: The DNC took contributions from anybody who offered it, including various foreign companies, tiny infants, international spies, dead people and hostile emissaries from invading planets. Now the Democrats must return $1.5 million of it, which, in the case of alien emissaries, will require a major effort by NASA.

Some of these contributions seem sinister

The big question is: Were any of these contributions illegal? Yes, if they came from companies with no U.S. operations. Investigators are taking a hard look at that contribution from the Klingon Empire.

Investigators are now examining Lincoln Bedroom for clues

And then the next big question: Did Clinton himself know about it? There’s no “smoking gun,” but let’s put it this way: Kruge and Worf are no strangers to the Lincoln Bedroom.

An outstanding artistic performance by Hillary

In other developments. Hillary Clinton won a Grammy last week. It was for best spoken-word performance before a grand jury.

, DataTimes MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.

Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.

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