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Mirer, Mirer, on the wall…

As excited as Seahawks fans may be to be rid of Rick Mirer, Chicago is just as ambivalent. Take Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome - please:

“There may be lies, damned lies and statistics,” he wrote, “but there are also Rick Mirer’s touchdowns to interceptions.

“The Bears have taken on someone else’s draft mistake for a change, instead of making their own. No matter how much a failure Mirer might be at No. 11 for the Bears, the Seahawks will always have to live with taking him No. 2.

“Mirer wants to end his career in Chicago. Pick a month. Be optimistic. Take November.”

How much is that Swami in the window?

Imagine a Chris Berman bobble-head on your fireplace mantle, or a talking Keith Olbermann doll nestled in your kid’s arms.

Now imagine hell. Same difference, right?

Disney Consumer Products has announced plans to open “ESPN The Store” in Glendale, Calif., where the Disney Store made its debut 10 years ago.

It will open this fall in the Glendale Galleria and is expected to be the first of four to open by the end of 1998.

The 4,000-square-foot store will offer a collection of sports gifts in what Disney and ESPN call an “interactive retail environment. The store will carry team apparel, memorabilia and electronics in addition to ESPN-branded items.

OK, but we’re drawing the line at Tickle Me Charley Steiner.

Gender yuk-quity

Defending champion Jane Crafter has criticized a poster that was used to promote this year’s Australian Ladies Masters, saying it demeans women’s golf.

The poster, used on billboards and as part of Australian television coverage of the event, featured a large golf ball with the caption “Have you ever been hit by a girl?” At the bottom of the poster were the words - The Alpine Australian Masters 1997 - with the word “Ladies” inserted as if it were an afterthought.

“I didn’t like the connotation of it,” Crafter said. “I think it’s a step back not a step forward.”

Beth Daniel said the ad campaign reflected a humor gap between Australia and the United States.

“I’m sure it’s supposed to be funny,” she said.

Like Steffi Graf posing in the swimsuit issue?

Stop us if you’ve heard this one before

It’s spring training, so it must be time for the obesity jokes.

Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle fired his first salvo at the fat, taking aim at David Wells of the Yankees and Kevin Mitchell of the Indians - easy targets to hit, no?

“Ballplayers usually announce personal goals when they report to camp,” wrote Ostler. “Wells’ goal is to not get stuck in the team Jacuzzi. Mitchell’s goal is to not require a fan belt from a Greyhound bus to hold up his pants.”

And, boy, when Cecil Fielder circles the bases, he really circles the bases.

The last word …

“What are we going to do in a game? The only thing he knows is, ‘Good morning.’ He says ‘good morning’ 24 times a day.”

- Mets catcher Alberto Castillo, who speaks Spanish and English, on pitcher Koichi Taniguchi, who speaks only Japanese

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo