Cheap Seats

Whine and punishment

Edmonton Oilers prospect Jason Bonsignore, a former first-round pick, has been complaining publicly about being in the minor leagues.

“I’d like to put him over my knee and spank him,” Oilers general manager Glen Sather said, “but in this day and age, I guess you couldn’t do that. That would be child abuse.”

Maybe a good cross-check from behind, then.

Most kids start with a learner’s permit

Swiss tennis star Martina Hingis, who isn’t old enough to drive, has signed a 3-year endorsement deal with auto manufacturer Opel.

GM Europe officials declined to say how much the 16-year-old Hingis will be paid to wear their logo, star in commercials and smile at corporate events.

But the daily newspaper Blick said Hingis would earn about $680,000.

Even before she won the Australian Open in January, Hingis signed a $10 million, five-year deal with Italian sportswear company Sergio Tacchini.

A spokesman said GM Europe had had close links with Hingis and her family for the past four years.

“It’s just a new chapter,” he said.

What’s next? Tara Lipinski shilling for Black Velvet?

Take my coach, please

Owner humor: Art Modell of the Baltimore Ravens was talking to New York Jets president Steve Gutman, who had named Bill Belichick head coach until Bill Parcells took the job a week later.

Said Modell: “I asked Steve if he planned to throw a retirement dinner for Belichick.”

Since Art never got around to it in Cleveland.

So, what, he smells like gasoline?

PGA Tour pro Brad Bryant took a stab at explaining how he got his “Dr. Dirt” nickname:

“Gary McCord gave me the nickname ‘Mr. Dirt’ from a gasoline commercial, and a friend of mine didn’t think it showed enough respect, so he altered it to ‘Dr. Dirt.’ It’s stuck and has been something good instead of something bad.”

So remember, folks: doctors good, other people bad.

No Bulls

When 11-year-old Bobby Raffensperger and his dad saw TV coverage of Dennis Rodman kicking a cameraman, they saw red - and decided to get it out of their Phoenix, Ore., house.

“It really agitated me,” said Bobby.

His father Dick took it a step further.

“We don’t want to see any more Bulls stuff in this house,” he said.

So they boxed up Bobby’s Michael Jordan paraphernalia and put it away, rather than actually put it in the garbage. At a birthday party last week, Bobby got a Michael Jordan card and traded it away to remain faithful to his boycott.

With his dad’s help, Bobby wrote a letter to NBA commissioner David Stern, and 69 students and teachers at Bobby’s school signed it.

“We have agreed to place a boycott of all Bulls shirts, hats and games - season and postseason - at our school,” the letter said. “We are educated as independent thinkers and team players. The disgusting actions of Mr. Rodman are nothing more than a 2-year-old throwing a fit.”

The last word …

“It’s $19.95, assault and battery not included.”

- David Letterman, on the new Dennis Rodman doll

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo