Embracing Two Cultures Esmeralda Santiago Found The Courage To Write About Her Childhood

She was caught between two worlds.

For many years, author Esmeralda Santiago didn’t think she could write - her English wasn’t good enough, she said. And Spanish, her native tongue, was a language she stopped learning at 13.

“I had this great need to express myself,” she told more than 250 people Wednesday at Spokane Falls Community College. But she couldn’t do it, she said.

“It was frightening to write about my life.”

Finally at 40, Santiago found the courage. She wrote about her native Puerto Rico: the warm sun that heated the sand; the smell of garlic in her mother’s kitchen; the juicy taste of a yellow guava.

These descriptions became part of “When I Was Puerto Rican,” an autobiography detailing her childhood and how life changed at 13, when her family immigrated to New York City.

Standing at a podium Wednesday with her black hair pulled back in a braid, Santiago began to tell her life story.

In the eyes of a village girl who had never seen television, the United States was a scary, alien world, she recalled.

Like other immigrants, she lost her “cultural purity.” No longer was she the same Puerto Rican child who played hopscotch beneath the mango trees. She suddenly became “Hispanic,” a term as foreign to her as American slang.

“It made no sense to me,” the author said. “I didn’t come from a country called Hispanica.”

In the meantime, her parents and 10 siblings tried to retain their Latino identity - an impossible feat for most teens like Santiago. “Hello! We’re in the middle of New York,” she said. “How do you not become American?”

Now at 48, it’s easier for Santiago to remember those painful adolescent years. On Wednesday, she candidly recalled the poverty of Puerto Rico as well as the difficulty of growing up on welfare in the United States. She told jokes about her family. She laughed at her own mistakes.

But at the time, as a teenager attempting to fit in, she suffered an identity crisis.

While some Americans saw only her dark skin or heard her strange accent, Puerto Ricans accused her of becoming “Americanized” - contaminated by American values.

Rejected by both cultures, her loss of identity compelled her to write.

Since her first book, the New York resident has traveled all over the country to talk about culture and her work. She also has written “America’s Dream,” a novel about a Puerto Rican maid in an abusive relationship.

Book critics have praised her work. At SFCC, where her work is studied in English classes, students lined up after the lecture for autographs.

“Her story is accessible to everyone,” said Pat Nasburg, an SFCC English instructor. “She’s very inspirational.”

Unlike some immigrants who have been forced to pick one culture or the other, Santiago has embraced both.

“When someone questions your identity, you become confused,” she said. “But you learn it’s a process of evolution. You’re going to change … It’s an effort to move from one culture to another. We have to give ourselves credit for surviving.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo