Stern Is Stinko; Skip This Dull ‘Blade’

Just when I thought 1997 was going to be a good year for movies (“Star Wars,” “Rosewood,” “Vegas Vacation,” etc.), I was hit by a two-pronged, bad-movie attack.

Over two days, I saw both “Private Parts” and “Sling Blade”’ and lost a lot of confidence in the film industry.

It was difficult, but I’m pretty sure I went to see Howard Stern’s “Private Parts” with an open mind. And I hated it.

In just about every way possible, “Private Parts” was nothing but stupid, mindless, self-effacing garbage. And most of it wasn’t the slightest bit entertaining.

What bothers me the most, though, is it could have been a quality film. Stern’s life - especially his outrageous radio shows - should provide plenty of material for a great comedy, something people could laugh at for days after seeing it.

Instead, Stern had to present himself as even more of a demigod than he already thought he was. Not only is he now a ground-breaking radio personality that defines ‘90s pop culture, but a good, clean guy, too.

Okay, so maybe he is a good guy (I do, though, view this with skepticism). But, even if he is, it doesn’t make for a good movie.

Frankly, I don’t want to go to a movie, hear the outrageous things Howard has ever said on (and off) the radio and then be told that he really didn’t mean it; it’s just an act.

Is this a bad sitcom pilot, or an even worse Dateline expose?

If you’re interested in an alternative, don’t look for one in “Sling Blade.”

“Sling Blade” is the extremely low-budget picture written by, directed by and starring Billy Bob Thorton. It’s a sort of laid-back story of a mentally retarded individual who is let out on his own after 17 years in a mental hospital.

The surprise (sort of) is that he spent all that time in the hospital because, when he was 12, he killed his mother and the man she was having an affair with. Until a startling and nearly redeeming twist at the end, the point of the movie is quite unclear and the extremely slow pace has the same effect as Nytol.

For a while, it seems that “Sling Blade” tries to tell us how badly America’s prison system prepares its inmates for life on the outside. Then, after the movie gets bored with that (which is about five minutes after the audience does), it moves on to the issue of prejudice against the mentally challenged.

Then, when that one gets old, and nearly every politically correct theme has been explored and exploited, “Sling Blade” has to look at the issue of emotional and physical abuse, as if the film isn’t dreary enough already.

Thorton’s Oscar nomination for Best Actor makes a farce of the award. All he does is speak in a monotone, use an extremely small vocabulary and somehow make people like him; the easy half of what Tom Hanks did in Forrest Gump.

In other words, the Star Wars trilogy is probably the safest bet in theaters now. Neither “Private Parts” nor “Sling Blade” are worth going anywhere near.

“Private Parts:” D- “Sling Blade:” D+