A View From The ‘Orbiting Edsel’
News item: Two Soviet cosmonauts face stiff fines after being blamed for the many problems that have beset the Mir spacecraft.
“I said to Vasily, I said, ‘Vasily, you’ve got to stop throwing your Big Mac wrappers, banana peels and empty vodka bottles into the science module because pretty soon the trash is going to pile up so high that the carbon dioxide filter is going to get clogged and then we’re going to be up the Volga without a paddle, to coin a phrase.’
“But Vasily, he says to me, ‘Alexander, do you ever listen to yourself? Your voice reminds me of the whine of a Moscow waiter when you ask him for a clean fork. For months now it’s been nothing but pick, pick, pick. It’s Vasily, watch out or you’re going to snag the main power cable with your sleeve. Vasily, don’t throw that cigarette into that pile of greasy rags or you’re going to start a fire. Vasily, if you spend all day on the computer playing solitaire, we’re liable to run into another spacecraft.
“Then Vasily says, ‘Alexander, do you have any idea of the stress I’m under? I’m the commander of an 11-year-old spacecraft built by a country that can’t even produce a decent clock radio. Our Cuban comrades drive American cars built before the revolution that are more dependable than this sardine can. Look at this bulkhead. It is so thin I can punch my fist right through … uh oh.’
“So I say, ‘See, Vasily, you’ve gone and done it again. We’ve got to seal off the forward compartment and then we’ve got to go on another spacewalk and fix the hole.’
“And Vasily goes, ‘Why don’t we just use duct tape, like we did the last time?’
“And I go, ‘Vasily, there is no more duct tape. We used it all to reattach the heat shield to the reentry vehicle, remember?’
“And Vasily goes, ‘What about the American? All day long he sits in the corner, curled up in the fetal position muttering, We’re all going to die! We’re all going to die! Who invited him, anyway?’
“And I go, ‘Vasily, do you forget that this is a joint mission intended to advance the cause of science and foster good will between two governments that, up until about six years ago, wanted to blow each other off the map?’
“And Vasily goes, ‘Ah, those were the good old days, eh comrade? Our toaster ovens may have been a joke but nobody laughed at our nukes.’
“And I go, ‘Besides, Vasily, American pennies work better in the fuse box than Russian kopecks.’
“And Vasily goes, ‘Alexander, I am so tired. Every day something else breaks. The computer in this spacecraft, where did we steal it from, a Gameboy? Yesterday, I tried to fire the aft thrusters and the radio conked out. The day before I tried to adust our solar panel and the toilet flushed. Before that I tried to test the docking mechanism and our crystal-growing experiment exploded. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Alexander, I really don’t.’
“So I say to Vasily, I say: ‘Vasily, things are not so bad. The radiation leak is nothing like Chernobyl. And, besides, a lot of women go for bald men. True, the temperature inside the Mir has hovered around 96 degrees for the past few months, but you’ve got to admit it beats winters in the gulag.
“Not that we have anything to worry about, Vasily, but it might be a good idea if you stopped referring to the Mir as the ‘Orbiting Edsel,’ at least when reporters are around.”