Cheap Seats

It’s fat and rich

St. Louis Blues wing Brett Hull is the latest athlete to have a candy bar named after him. Kevin Paul Dupont of the Boston Globe commented, “A good guess is that with one bite you feel like a millionaire but a second later you decide a million isn’t enough.”

The call of the wild

Chicago Tribune columnist Gene Wojciechowski offers these “actual” telephone answering machine messages from some of The Windy City’s sports personalities:

Dennis Rodman: “Yo, you’re in D-Rod’s world now. Press 1 if you want to hear me complain about being disrespected. Press 2 if you want to hear me make meaningless retirement threats. Press 3 if you want to order back copies of my two books. Press 4 if you want to buy Converses - cheap. Press 5 if you want to hear a Jerry Krause joke. Press 6 if you want to hear about my gambling, my sex life, my body piercings, my suspensions, my legal problems, Madonna, my cross-dressing, my holdouts, more Madonna, my fines, my act worn thin. Press 7 if you want to hear me laughing all the way to the bank.”

Albert Belle: “Hello. I’m Albert Belle, and I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you called. Unfortunately, I’m unable to attend to your kind inquiry. But do me a favor: Leave all the pertinent information, and I’ll return your call … when hell freezes over! Now get the hell out of my face, you low-life loser, or I’ll have this call traced and me and Mr. Louisville Slugger will have to stop by for a visit, if you know what I mean!”

Rick Mirer: “Hi. I’m Rick Mirer, and I’m sorry I wasn’t here to talk. Your call is important, so feel free to contact me on my cellular phone. The best time to reach me is on Sunday afternoon, between noon and 4. I’m usually just standing around, doing nothing. If you still can’t reach me, please call my dad in Goshen, Ind. He knows what to say.”

Some friendly coaching advice

After Dwayne Schintzius turned up missing from the Phoenix Suns’ training camp, coach Danny Ainge said succinctly, “Tough to make the team when you’re not here.”

A city without a team

Jay Leno says Los Angeles may have competition in obtaining an NFL team, “because Chicago’s also trying to get a professional football team.”

A little bit of an identity crisis

When the Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles in 1960, few could understand why the team retained the name Lakers when there weren’t any lakes around.

Now people are wondering why Tennessee’s NFL team still calls itself the Oilers after moving from oil-rich Houston. Owner Bud Adams has the answer.

The Oilers were named in honor of his grandfather, who drilled the first commercial oil well, and his father, a former president of Phillips Petroleum.

“A name is a team’s history, its tradition,” Adams said. “Nobody knows who the Ravens are, and I don’t know how long it will be until they do.”

Same could be said about the Oilers.

The last word …

“Danny Wuerffel, who so many NFL scouts said didn’t have the arm to play in the NFL, will start at quarterback. Some people might argue he’s still not in the NFL, since he plays for the New Orleans Saints.”

- Boston Globe columnist Ron Borges

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo