So You Think You’Re A Stud? Then Prove It

Would red meat taste even better if you killed it yourself?

Does your favorite hat have a can holder and a long straw?

Have you ever wanted a set of Yosemite Sam mudflaps to put on your pickup?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, don’t be ashamed. You may have what it takes to be the Manliest Man of the Inland Northwest.

Now that our annual Lilac Queen search is over, we need to find someone to represent local maledom at the third annual National Manly Man Festival on June 20 in Roslyn, Wash.

The winner gets a lifetime membership in the Order of the Manly Men plus a T-shirt, coffee mug and jock strap - all embossed with the official gold crest. As a grand prize, our victor gets to march in the Manly Man Parade through downtown Roslyn. More later on how to enter.

Oh, I know what you humor-devoid feminists are thinking. You’re thinking: “My, that Doug Clark looks like a stud muffin in his new column photograph.”

You’re absolutely right, of course.

Most real men are naturally too modest to nominate themselves. So I’m counting on wives to nominate husbands and girlfriends to nominate boyfriends. It’s even OK for you “life partners,” if you catch my drift, to nominate your favorite fellahs.

Coming up with he-men shouldn’t be difficult. We live in a mecca of manliness settled by raw-knuckled loggers, miners and pioneers of yore.

Consider a few of Spokane’s better-known manly examples: John Stockton, Ryne Sandberg, Chad Little, Billy Tipton …

Manly Men founder R.M. “Bob” Crane, 41, asked if I would help him find a suitable dude to represent the area. His organization boasts 2,000 members, including celebrities like football legend Mike “Da Bears” Ditka.

There’s nothing mean-spirited about it, assures Crane, a married man of 20 years. “The whole thing is tongue in cheek.”

Speaking as the community’s leading male role model, there is one thing about this Tacoma resident that makes me a little suspicious: The guy’s a florist.

“I may be a florist by day,” snaps the pansy peddler, “but at night I become a manly man.”

Crane came up with his macho spoof while camping with his brothers-in-law. Yes, beer was present.

The festival, covered by the national media, is a tourism boon to sleepy Roslyn. Located in the eastern foothills of the Cascades, the small town is best known as the rustic backdrop of the defunct TV show “Northern Exposure.”

Manly pilgrims can flex their muscles during the parade, shoot blowguns or enter a manliest toolbelt contest. That competition was once won by an Ellensburg woman who adorned her belt with welding equipment.

There will also be plenty of opportunity to sit around the campfire eating roast pig and swapping best scar stories. Last year’s winner told of a triple compound fracture he suffered while skiing. The wound took 300 stitches to close.

Spokane Valley resident Mitch Bush traveled to Roslyn last year. He recommends the gathering to all his brothers. “Oh, boy howdy, yeah,” says Bush. “Just to be able to say, ‘I’m a manly man and I can prove it.”’

Here’s how to enter the contest for the Manliest Man of the Inland Northwest. Call me at (509) 459-5432. Leave your name, telephone number and candidate’s name as well as a description of why you think he should win.

The literate may mail their entries to: Doug Clark and the Manly Man Contest, 999 W. Riverside, Spokane, WA, 99210. E-mail entries can be sent to dougc@spokesman.com.

A panel of experts will select a champ in two weeks at the Checkerboard Tavern.

Crane sells his Manly Men memberships for $20 each. They can be ordered through a toll-free number: 1-800-99-MANLY.

“There are no dues, no meetings and responsibilities,” explains Crane. “It’s perfect for men.”