Cheap Seats

Just eliminate the league

The NBA labor talks, as seen by Michael Wilbon of The Washington Post:

“Here’s the good news from talks between the NBA owners and the players they’ve locked out: Both sides are talking about testing and punishing for marijuana use.

“Here’s the bad news: Everything else.”

Itsy bitsy spider went up the player’s leg

Cleveland Indians outfielder Brian Giles missed the three-game series against the Angels after he was bitten several times on the left leg by an insect - probably a spider. His leg swelled so much that he had to get injections for three consecutive days to reduce the inflammation.

Glenallen Hill once showed up at the ballpark with cuts and bruises he said he suffered in a panicked reaction to a nightmare about spiders.

It’s only fair. Hill’s atrocious fielding skills have given teammates, managers and fans nightmares for years.

Golden oldie

Ben Levinson of Los Angeles is 103, but he’s also an athlete. Levinson will compete for the gold medal in the shotput at the Nike World Masters Games in Eugene, Ore., this week.

By the way, Levinson also competes in rock climbing and archery. He says it’s paid off. “I’m in better shape now than when I was 100.”

What an absolutely wonderful thing to be able to say.

Horse trading

Country singer Marty Robbins, who drove in 35 NASCAR Winston Cup races before his death in 1982, got his first Cup car in 1968, in a trade with Bobby Allison, a car builder at the time.

“Marty offered me a late model sportsman car, a trailer, a pick-up truck, a Black Angus bull and a Lincoln Continental with a lizard skin roof,” Allison said. “That sounded like a pretty even trade to me, so we put the deal together.”

Robbins entered the Dodge in the National 500 at Charlotte, N. C., and finished 12th.

Talk about your luxury seating

Golfers, their families and corporate sponsors who need to answer nature’s call at this week’s PGA Championship won’t have to worry about primitive portable potties at Sahalee Country Club.

They’re getting luxury loos featuring air conditioning, flush toilets, sinks with running water and even stereophonic sound.

Serving humble pie

At a junior golf clinic, tour player Charlie Rymer asked who was the best golfer in attendance. When a couple of youngsters raised their hand, Rymer gave one a $5 bill and said, “Here, kid, you won’t learn anything from me today. Go get me a hot dog and keep the change.”

Just call him Jack

When Cleveland Indians catcher Sandy Alomar Jr., was made an honorary member of Michael Andretti’s race team, the muscular, 6-foot-5 Alomar asked if he could help out on a pit stop.

“You can be our backup in case the air jack breaks and we need you to lift the front of the car,” Andretti told him.

The last word …

“I have a lot of rules and no money. Baseball has a lot of money and no rules.”

- Texas A&M football coach R.C. Slocum, on losing prized recruit Chip Ambres, who signed with the Marlins for $1.5 million.