This Isn’T Rocket Science; That Would Be Easier

When sudden death decides an NFL contest, lives are at stake. The proper, just resolution of an NFL overtime game with the possible exception of national security concerns is the single most important issue confronting America today.

Thus, the coin toss is critical. The coin toss cannot be corrupted. The coin toss must be sacrosanct.

My goodness, we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t flip a coin without a flap? How the Russians must laugh at us!

How hard can this coin toss business be, unless Foster Brooks is tossing the coin?

The unfortunate Thanksgiving Day coin contretemps has set back the culture considerably. It’s bad enough that people are always squawking about instant replay; now we need instant audio replay.

But, believe you me, this Steelers-Lions mishap does not occur if Jerry Markbreit is there. I mean, this is a nationally televised game with playoff implications, and they’ve got some computer hack named Phil Luckett refereeing? I wouldn’t trust this guy to call strikes at a teeball game. Where was Markbreit, carving turkey over at Red Cashion’s pad?

Anyhow, the NFL has modified the procedure for the coin toss. The referee, the back judge and the field judge all will witness the event at midfield. That’s right, three people to verify “heads” or “tails,” and you wonder why cable service in this country is so bad.

If this doesn’t work out, there are several options to the coin toss that the NFL should strongly consider:

Scissors-paper-rock.

Odds and evens.

Cut for high card.

“I’m thinking of a number from 1 to 10 …”

(TV update: Boomer Esiason’s “you know” count Monday night: 76. Four-week “you know” total: 275. Projected number of Boomer “you knows” over entire season of ABC’s “Monday Night Football:” 1,169. Unofficial world record for use of “you know” in one football year: Junior Seau, 1994; estimated 2,600.)

(News bulletin: Add “coaching the Eagles” to “censure,” “fine” and “admonishment” as possible alternatives to Clinton impeachment.)

(Programming note: CBS will air “It’s A Wonderful Life” in place of Chargers-Redskins game.)

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

49ers (-9) at Panthers: 49ers’ new managed health care plan will not cover Bryant Young’s cart ride back to locker room Monday night… . With exodus from 49ers’ front office, Eddie DeBartolo having trouble finding a fourth for bridge. Pick: Panthers.

Bears at Vikings (-15): Asked for secret to his success, Vikings’ Randall Cunningham said, “I just play every game like it’s my last Quarterback Challenge.” … Dennis Rodman stayed with Carmen Electra longer than Bears stayed with Steve Stenstrom. Pick: Vikings.

Giants at Cardinals (-5): After 9-hour search on amazon.com, 5-10-1 bound Giants decided to stick with same playbook… . I’d bet if Jake Plummer threw a boomerang, it wouldn’t come back. Pick: Giants.

Chargers at Redskins (-3): Remember the old, high-flying Chargers of Air Coryell? These Chargers are more like a commuter flight from Palm Springs to Santa Barbara. Pick: Redskins.

Colts at Falcons (-10): Boy oh boy, why do I keep supporting these Colts? Like Sally Field said in “Norma Rae:” “When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas.” Pick: Colts.

Seahawks at Jets (-7-1/2): Jets LB Bryan Cox said his issue with the refs was that their white stripes are actually wider than their black stripes. Pick: Seahawks.

Packers (-3-1/2) at Buccaneers: Mike Holmgren hopes to parlay cursefest with Packers fan into regular spot on the Howard Stern show. Pick: Buccaneers.

Cowboys (-6) at Saints: Decision not to play Deion Sanders Thanksgiving Day made after he arrived to Texas Stadium in that suit. Pick: Saints.

Bills (-5) at Bengals: You know the old expression, “The enemy is in the room?” In Cincinnati, that would be Bruce Coslet. Pick: Bengals.

Dolphins (-3) at Raiders: Let’s close the book on Jeff George: When he starts, you lose. Career record: 37-70. But he’s on the inactive list this weekend. So . . . Pick: Raiders.

Lions at Jaguars (-7): Lions have asked NFLPA if they can reclassify position of “tight end” to “dead end.” Pick: Jaguars.

Chiefs at Broncos (-14): Bad blood still spilling over: Chiefs Thursday signed LB Bobby Boucher. Pick: Chiefs.

Ravens at Oilers (-6): Yeah, Oilers have that Super Bowl look. It just might be Super Bowl XLIII. Pick: Oilers.

Patriots at Steelers (-4-1/2): Last week, Patriots got more favorable whistles than Mae West. Pick: Steelers.

Last week: 8-7. Season: 92-78-9.