Broncos Will Lose Heads Against Pack
So what are the odds the Denver Broncos will prevail on Super Sunday? Well, as a palace guard told Marie Antoinette the night before she was guillotined, “Ma’am, it doesn’t look good.”
You have a better chance of seeing Rush Limbaugh at a Snoop Doggy Dogg concert than of seeing the AFC win a Super Bowl. It’s inexplicable and incredible: The NFC has won 13 straight years by an average margin of 21 points. It’s like the Communist elections in the old Soviet Union - you pretty much always knew going in who’s gonna win.
Anyway, you’ve got questions; we’ve got answers. So - as is our custom this time of year - let’s address the most compelling inquiries about the Super Bowl and related matters:
Q. Packers defensive coordinator Fritz Shurmur sometimes likes to blitz from the 3-4, sometimes he’ll go man-to-man on the corners, sometimes he’ll come with a nickel package, sometimes he’ll opt for the dime scheme. What’s his likely strategy to combat John Elway out of the shotgun?
A. Yeah, like I’m hanging out at the NFL Films vault next to Ron Jaworski with a clicker, a box of popcorn and some room freshener. Next.
Q. Who’s singing the “Star-Spangled Banner” this year?
A. Jewel. (Note: For the ninth straight year, the NFL declined my request that the national anthem be performed by Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.)
Q. How come the Broncos’ offensive linemen have a sticky substance on their uniforms?
A. The guys usually go out for cotton candy just before kickoff.
Q. Frank Gifford is being replaced next season on “Monday Night Football” by Boomer Esiason. Is it true that, as ABC says, Gifford asked for a cutback in work so he could spend more time with his family?
A. Oh, sure - the Giffer went home one night, sat down and, like Jerry Maguire, penned a mission statement that read, “Fewer games, less money,” paving the way for his “request” to be replaced as game analyst on the most-watched sports program in television history.
Q. Are there any words of wisdom you’d like to direct toward Brett Favre?
A. Brett, Brett, Brett - today it’s a goatee, tomorrow it’s a toupee.
Q. What would you consider the most important books of our time?
A. First there was the Communist manifesto expressed so succinctly by Karl Marx in “Das Kapital” and now there’s the West Coast manifesto expressed so succinctly by Bill Walsh in “Finding the Winning Edge.” (Yo, Genius Bill - I need 550 pages of “Establishing the Pace of Practice Drills” like Fidel Castro needs the Pope over for cocktails.)
Q. Is the universe still expanding?
A. Is ESPN3 on the horizon?
Q. What’s a good thing to eat while watching the Super Bowl telecast?
A. During the game, The Man still recommends Chilean sea bass with balsamic glaze, accompanied by a vegetable salad of daikon, carrots, onions and radish clover. For the postgame, peanuts are good.
Q. How does The Man compare to, say, the Dalai Lama?
A. On the one hand, both of us are celibate. On the other hand, he prays for peace and self-rule for his people while I pray for no Bob Trumpy or Jerry Glanville for my people.
Q. What will the final score of Super Bowl XXXII be?
A. To get the final score, I suggest you check your newspaper on Monday. Also, NBC will post the final result at game’s end, which, coincidentally, might be the first time the network puts up the score all day long.
Q. OK, but what does The Man think the final score will be?
A. First, a couple of facts: If Green Bay wins, the Packers will join the Steelers as the only franchises to win back-to-back Super Bowls twice. And, if Denver loses, the Broncos will break a deadlock with the Bills and the Vikings and become the first team to go 0-5 in Super Bowls. I’d love to see Elway get his title. But to The Man - who’s no slouch on the couch when it comes to picking the pros - this game has a Green Bay 34, Denver 19 sort of feel. So take the Packers, give the 12-1/2 points and follow me to a fabulous February in Fiji!
Last week: 1-1.
Season record: 119-117-8.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist