From Our Fertile Imagination Comes Answers You Want

You never know. But I do.

NBC and the NFL turned down a $1.3 million, 30-second Super Bowl commercial for a suppository that treats impotence. But the company was allowed to pass out free samples to all AFC teams.

Now, since any discussion of impotence is taboo, let’s hope that in the interest of fairness and equal time the league also forbids Packers coach Mike Holmgren from accepting the traditional phone call from the president.

Though Gonzaga athletic department personnel have been instructed to not discuss the dismissal of Dan Fitzgerald, acting president and amateur semanticist Harry Sladich says no gag order was issued. I can hardly wait until graduation at GU, when no diplomas will be issued.

“It’s not as if I’m another O.J. Simpson,” said Latrell Sprewell. Gracious no, Spree. When O.J. went for the throat, he finished the job.

If Glenallen Hill is going to play left field for the Mariners, at least Gary Payton won’t have anyone horning in on his nickname.

For its next round of athletic department hires, the University of Idaho should solicit candidates from the Federal Witness Protection Program. Those guys have to stay put, don’t they?

Same goes for Kevin Eastman and his next basketball recruiting class at WSU.

I’ve finally figured it out. Because Michael Jordan plays in Chicago, it isn’t traveling when he takes three steps on his way to the hoop. It’s toddling.

They keep telling us that Title IX is killing college wrestling. But a check of the obits suggests it’s college wrestling that’s killing college wrestling.

So all that Rose Bowl coverage was too much for you. OK, we’ll aim for moderation next time. You know, the Princess Di treatment.

Now that Mike Price has added a second son to his Washington State football coaching staff, you think folks will stop fretting over whether he’ll sign the contract?

Chiefs games on the Internet? It’s a changing world, I realize, but when I’m standing in the beer line at the Arena, I don’t hear a lot of cyberchat, you know?

Speaking of which, when hockey is on KXLY next year and Mariners games get bumped to 970 on nights they conflict, are baseball fans going to have access to the station’s parking lot so they can get their car radios close enough to actually pick up the signal?

Big deal. Sylvia Crawley throws one down blindfolded in a dunk contest. When one of these women gets arrested for smoking pot in her car, then we’ll know the ABL is really big league.

Two years for Russ Davis, but not a penny more for Randy Johnson. That’s our Woody.

I swear, sometime before the B tournament I’m going to break the code they use for posting team and personal fouls on the Arena’s east end scoreboard.

After losing at Montana the other night, Cal State Sacramento coach Tom Abatemarco said, “We’re probably the best 1-14 team in the country.” And probably vinegar is a better thirst quencher than vegetable oil, pal.

One word for the next coach who questions the timekeeping at a Gonzaga game: turtleneck.

I’m pulling for Dennis Erickson to get another year and Randy Mueller to get his chance. But if I’m a Seahawks fan, I’m not tying myself to the railroad tracks if Paul Allen money-whips Mike Holmgren into submission, either.

Closer Rod Beck signs with Chicago and proclaims, “The Cubs were only one player away.” Yep. From being the Toledo Mud Hens.

Geez. First they shame the PGA into not playing tournaments at clubs that don’t accept black members. Now they’re suggesting the tour accommodate a disabled golfer. Next thing you know, these guys will be expected to carry their own clubs and repair their own ball marks.

P.J. Carlesimo goes on trial this week for trying to use his neck to dislocate Latrell Sprewell’s fingers.

So the Huskies bag their Sept. 12 game with Miami. If I’m Rick Dickson, I’m ditching San Jose State and booking the Hurricanes into the Kingdome that same day. And this time I’m not consulting the alumni.

Shaquille O’Neal thinks that when teams foul him intentionally, “It’s sort of an insult to my game.” And all along we thought his freethrow shooting was the insult to his game.

Between them, Mike Price and Jim Lambright are going to make a million dollars next year. Think they could afford some voice lessons for those bank commercials now?

Let me see if I follow this: Idaho is going to play home football games at Martin Stadium in 1999, including one against Washington State. And it’s a win-win situation. Now, is that for the Cougars fan with season tickets on the 50-yard line, or the Vandals fan with season tickets on the 50?

By the way, the guy who sent me all those faxes a couple years ago insisting the Sonics would some day win a championship with Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton? Pay up.

What’s all the fuss about Gilbert Brown’s weight? You weren’t saving him a spot near the chip bowl for your Super Bowl party, were you?

, DataTimes MEMO: You can contact John Blanchette by voice mail at 459-5577, extension 5509.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review