Animal-Rights Activists Show Their True Stripes

Animal-rights zealots finally have found their proper perch on the evolutionary pecking order:

Squatting in cold and wet wire cages. Wearing black-and-white jailhouse stripes and plastic monkey masks.

Four of these bogus baboons spent their Monday lunch hour facing the sparse traffic of Farr Lane in the Spokane Valley. Six comrades in street clothes stood behind them waving signs.

The spectacle only looked like a low-budget re-enactment of the timeless movie, “Escape From the Planet of the Apes.” Actually, it was an official outdoor protest by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in front of the Millstone Coffee plant in Millwood.

And what exactly do animal rights have to do with coffee beans?

Not a rat’s rear, of course. But as attention-starved PETA workers happily explain, Millstone is owned by big baddie Procter & Gamble. That company tests some product compounds on lab animals.

PETA hates Procter & Gamble. Last month, an activist tossed a PETA pie into the face of John Pepper, Procter & Gamble’s chairman.

Don’t worry. No dairy products were harmed in the making of said pie. It was tofu all the way, explains Jason Baker, a paid PETA coordinator from Virginia who organized the Spokane protest.

PETA holds scores of similar demonstrations all over the United States. Apparently it was Spokane’s lucky day.

“Animals Die for Tide,” blares one of the placards Baker hands to his crew. “Procter & Gamble Poisons Animals,” reads another.

Such social comment was lost on amused Millstone workers. They took in the ragtag protest from the warmth and comfort of their office.

“This is probably not a good time to ask,” announces warehouse manager Kristin Corley. “But Brian’s going to Burger King. Anybody want anything?”

According to a Procter & Gamble press release, animal testing is not done on a wicked whim. It is needed to sometimes “assess the safety of completely new ingredients for people and the environment.”

This is not an acceptable position to PETA, an organization not known for reasonableness.

For example, did you know that PETA’s fanaticism extends to the insect world?

That’s right. It doesn’t like to publicize this for obvious credibility reasons, but this group stands tall against exploiting bees for honey. “We take the animal’s side every time,” Baker adds. “Even when it comes to bees.”

Right on, brothers and sisters: Up with mosquitoes! Free the cockroach!

Corley says her mother is sick and takes a lot of drugs that first were tested on animals. “Until one of them (animal rights protesters) can look at me in the eye and tell me that my mom’s life isn’t worth more than a monkey’s,” she says, “I won’t have anything to do with them.”

I’ve always been amazed at how coldhearted some so-called animal lovers can be. I’m still receiving hateful e-mail for a critical column I wrote last December about a candle-lit vigil for 93 ferrets cruelly jabbed to death by some sadistic jerk.

I dared point out that, although the critters didn’t deserve their fate, human welfare is of a much higher concern than any number of fallen ferrets.

That didn’t sit well with someone who sent me the following message last week: “He needs to have liquid Drano injected under his skin and into his organs,” it reads. “As do YOU!”

Watching the PETA protest on this cold, drizzly day made me good and hungry.

Fortunately, these soggy animal rightsers were kind enough to hold their protest just down the road from the very human-friendly Longhorn Barbecue.

In few minutes, I was headed back to my desk in Spokane with a Big-Un sandwich packed with about a half-ton of sauce-oozing steer.

Don’t worry. Absolutely no monkeys were harmed in the making of my sandwich.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo