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He won’t be a coach after his playing days

The Portland Trail Blazers and Boston Celtics were tied with 5 seconds remaining when Portland’s Rasheed Wallace deliberately fouled Antoine Walker.

Walker made 1 of 2 free throws, the Trail Blazers missed a shot at the buzzer and the Celtics won.

Portland coach Mike Dunleavy tried to cover for Wallace. “The kid didn’t know the score. It was an honest mistake.”

Wallace disagreed. “I knew the score was tied. I wanted to put him on the line and maybe he’d miss both of them,” he reasoned.

Dr. Kevorkian has nothin’ on this guy

The back cover of the April edition of Mad magazine is a parody of the Heimlich maneuver poster you see in restaurants with instructions on what to do if someone is choking on food.

Are you ready for the “Latrell Sprewell maneuver?” The poster includes a drawing of the Golden State Warriors player with his hands around coach P.J. Carlesimo’s throat.

“When the coach approaches, place right thumb firmly against his windpipe,” is one of the instructions. “Squeeze viciously. Continue until separated by team personnel.”

A note under the “instructions” advises, “The NBA Players Assn. will file a grievance on your behalf and support you even if you murder the guy.”

These jurors were a little batty

A jury acquitted Boston Red Sox slugger Mo Vaughn on charges of drunken driving, rejecting testimony by police that Vaughn flunked eight sobriety tests.

One wag said the case boiled down to: “If the man can hit, you must acquit.”

And a little more on Vaughn

On one sobriety test, he was asked to count to 30, but he only got to 5. When asked to recite the alphabet, he got as far as “P.”

Said Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune: “Heck, that kind of performance might not pass a sobriety test, but it probably is good enough for a football scholarship at a major college.”

Ghosts from the past

Detroit Tigers manager Buddy Bell likes to finish workouts with a game called “27 Outs.” Various situations are set up, then the coaches hit fungoes, and the defenders have to make 27 consecutive outs.

They got to 26 on Feb. 26, Gene Guidi of the Detroit Free Press reported, when Bell asked for a volunteer to field the final ball.

“Give me the … white thing!” shouted Billy Ripken, who was playing shortstop. Bell hit Ripken the ball. He booted it. So the players had to get another 27 in a row.

When the players got to the clubhouse, outfielder Bobby Higginson had taped “BUCKNER” over Ripken’s locker.

Cross ‘em up

Comedian Dennis Miller on how to enliven Olympic bobsled racing: “One word - intersections.”

The last word …

“I’ve never seen anyone on the disabled list with pulled fat.”

- New Chicago Cubs closer Rod Beck, offering proof that his weight shouldn’t be an issue.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo

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