A High School Senior Wouldn’t Bother To Write This Headline, Either

You are not a high school senior. If you are choosing to read this, you possess at least 10,000 times as much motivation, drive and patience as an average high school senior this late in the year.

We have reached the time when most seniors are apathetic toward school, work and life in general.

Long ago someone dubbed this condition “senioritis,” showing the same creativity as the people who named a cable channel that shows movies, “The Movie Channel.”

Some students seem immune to senioritis, of course, but classmates wielding torches, garden weasels, and semiautomatic weapons (conveniently sold on most street corners) have already driven these goody-two-shoes to the diabolical little world of “Barney and Friends.”

For those in the real world, however, I have identified the major symptoms of senioritis.

Reading assignments. Earlier in their lives, high school seniors used to read books cover to cover, absorbing every word. Then it became unacceptable to read books like “Bobo’s Trip to The Circus” for English classes, so they discovered Cliff’s Notes and movies based on books (although I personally prefer books based on movies).

Nowadays, seniors wish somebody would write shorter summaries of Cliff’s Notes, or trim those two-hour movies down to 10 minutes.

Classes. Once upon a time, motivated freshmen took a full load of classes to enrich their learning experience and quickly fulfill graduation requirements for high school. Now, schools try to be accommodating, so study halls, basket weaving, advanced card games and radio music appreciation are just a few of the classes offered in the middle of the school day to make room for the necessary senior classes, namely late arrival and early dismissal. This is how America is becoming a great country, preparing its youth to compete with every nation that beats them on international mathematics tests, which is every nation in the world except for Burma.

Jobs. Much to the relief of teachers, school isn’t the only place where senioritis-impaired teens fail to put forth effort. We can be very thankful that high risk jobs such as air traffic controlling, truck driving or being a stunt person for a chewing gum commercial are restricted to adults. As it is, it’s bad enough when teens fail to work hard in the jobs they do have. Imagine waiting two weeks for Domino’s to deliver a pizza, finding the frozen food section of Albertson’s stocked with Depends, or seeing a blank page instead of the Our Generation section.

I’m a senior, so I won’t even finish writ