Maybe Ryan Should Turn Over A New Leaf

If Ryan Leaf dove off the high dive, he might miss the pool. Last week against the Chiefs, the Chargers’ rookie quarterback completed 1 of 15 passes for 4 yards. This guy throws a dinner party, believe you me, his guests end up in the shrubbery.

Repeat: That’s 1 of 15 for 4 yards. There haven’t been this many missed air connections since Braniff went out of business.

In Leaf’s defense, Chargers coach Kevin Gilbride’s whole offensive scheme is predicated, actually, on the incomplete pass.

(Speaking of which, what’s the deal with the Steelers’ Kordell Stewart? Last week, he was 11 of 35 for 82 yards and three interceptions. For the season, he’s 42 of 92 with six picks. At this point, Kordell couldn’t put a CD into a CD player. And don’t get me started on the Colts’ Mr. Clean, Peyton Manning. Right now, he’s got that Don Knotts look out there.)

When I see Leaf throw a pass, I get that same feeling I get when I realize I’ve just driven into a no-way-out, 20-minute traffic jam.

Here are the Chargers’ first seven possessions against Kansas City: fumble (by Leaf), punt, fumble (by Leaf), interception (by Leaf), punt, fumble (by Leaf), interception (by Leaf). Pamela Anderson’s marriage to Tommy Lee didn’t start this badly.

Leaf’s errant passes - through a driving rain at Arrowhead Stadium - were so off-target, fan interference could’ve been called on four of them.

This week, Leaf gets a break: The Giants - a heady 10-5-1 in 1997, headed for 5-10-1 in 1998 - are in town. And, frankly, this game smells like a tie, which we all know is coming sooner or later for the Giants. So take Leaf and the Chargers, getting 1-1/2 points, at home.

(TV Tidbit: Watched ABC’s new sitcom, “Sports Night.” It was funnier than ESPN’s “SportsCenter,” but then again, “SportsCenter” doesn’t have a laugh track.)

(Webster’s Update: Synonym for “mitchell,” as in “That’s a mitchell!” would be “jeffgeorge,” as in “That’s a jeffgeorge!”)

(Bye Week Note: Jets’ Tuesday film session featured “How Bill Parcells Got His Groove Back.”)

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Jaguars (-3-1/2) at Oilers: At season’s start, I declared Oilers to have “that Super Bowl look.” The Man is in Mad City on this one. The Man is going to say this to Jeff Fisher one time and one time only: If you continue to embarrass The Man, The Man will have no choice but to embarrass you. Now, go out there and kick Brunell’s butt! Pick: Oilers.

Raiders at Cowboys (-5): How thick is Chan Gailey’s Cowboys playbook? Page 328: “Proper On-Field Procedure for the Long Snapper in the Event of a Tornado-Related Punting Emergency.” … Hoping to catch an occasional Raiders highlight, Al Davis tunes in Sunday nights to “That ‘70s Show” on Fox. Pick: Cowboys.

Bengals at Ravens (-5): Another moment from the mastermind of Bruce Coslet: On third-and-goal from the 1 and his Bengals trailing Green Bay by 10-3, the coach brought in QB Jeff Blake for his only play of the game to run an option, which was stuffed. This is now ON HIS PERMANENT RECORD. Pick: Ravens.

Vikings (-7) at Bears: What, the Vikings actually have to play a game outside? I guess that explains Wednesday’s 4 o’clock seminar: “Grass Stains and You.” … Bears sources blame team’s third-quarter woes on TE Ryan Wetnight’s weekly halftime Scrabble tournament running long. Pick: Bears.

Chiefs (-8-1/2) at Eagles: One team’s unbeaten, the other is winless. One team has the NFL’s best defense, the other has the worst offense. One team is playoff bound, the other is layoff bound. What, you need Lewis and Clark to find the way to Easy Street on this one? Pick: Chiefs.

Falcons at 49ers (-11): In unusual but not unexpected twist, 49ers will replace “fullback” in West Coast offense with “keno runner.” … Falcons have about as much chance of going 3-0 as Atlanta has of hosting another Olympics. Pick: 49ers.

Buccaneers (-1-1/2) at Lions: You might’ve noticed that the Lions have jazzy new road uniform pants this season, which calls to mind the old adage - you can put earrings and lipstick on a pig and call her Peggy Sue, but she’s still a pig. Pick: Buccaneers.

Panthers at Packers (-6-1/2): For Packers’ beleaguered kick-coverage unit, I have just four words: Jackie Chan, Wedge Buster… .

Interestingly, Panthers’ sideline phone has only one line but five “hold” buttons. Pick: Packers.

Saints (-1) at Colts: Privately, Saints coach Mike Ditka questions league rule that you can’t cut players until game is over… . Pick: Colts.

Seahawks at Steelers (-3-1/2): When Seahawks play outdoors, they need REALLY STRONG SUNSCREEN… . Seahawks: Today 3-0, tomorrow 7-9. Pick: Steelers.

Cardinals at Rams (-3-1/2): At players’ request, Rams coach Dick Vermeil no longer uses bullhorn at Saturday brunch. Pick: Cardinals. Broncos (-7) at Redskins: Redskins coach Norv Turner asking for management’s interpretation of “must win.” Pick: Redskins.

Last week: 8-5.

Season record: 24-16-3.

Leaf a yes-no man A day after snubbing reporters, embattled San Diego Chargers quarterback Ryan Leaf is talking - sort of. The rookie revealed Friday his new policy for dealing with reporters will be to answer questions only with a “yes” or a “no.” Leaf apparently is upset about criticism he received after shouting obscenities at a newspaper reporter on Monday. Leaf, who was a broadcasting major at Washington State, refused to speak with reporters Thursday. Friday, he spared 82 seconds after practice. That probably wasn’t what NFL officials had in mind when they wrote into the standard player contract that “the player will cooperate with the news media.” - Associated Press