Without Mj, Nba’S Just Plain Lame
Rumor has it something called the National Basketball Association is open for business and I know all of you out there have questions.
“Why bother?” seems to be a typical question.
Unfortunately, our technical support staff has not yet been able to solve that particular software riddle. But anything else on your mind, just ask away.
Q: So what was this lockout business all about?
A: About six months too short.
Q: No, really, what?
A: Simply, it was about the owners wanting to curb the hysterical surge in player salaries because their industrialist buddies were laughing so hard in contempt during golf games at Robber Baron Country Club that they couldn’t hold their putters still.
Q: What’s been the immediate impact of the settlement?
A: Well, on Friday the New Jersey Nets signed Jayson Williams to a six-year contract worth $85.8 million. This amounts to roughly $26,830 for each basket Jayson makes.
Q: Has there been any reaction at Robber Baron Country Club?
A: Anything inside 15 feet is now a gimme.
Q: My favorite radio talk show host, Papa Rush Chevrolet, says the owners won. All these liberal sports writers say the players won. Who really won?
A: Regina Miller.
Q: Who?
A: The eighth-grade girl Spike Lee was heckling in that Nike “Start the Season” commercial. Best thing to come out of the lockout, other than not having to watch Greg Ostertag.
Q: Stop it. A straight answer now - owners or players?
A: This is a question? Let’s see, the players gave up three months’ pay and agreed to a ceiling on salaries - albeit a ceiling you can’t make out with the help of the Hubble telescope. Meanwhile, the owners collected money from the TV networks even though there were no games to televise. You could say the owners went 82-0, while the union failed to make the playoffs.
Q: So the salary ceiling was the biggest win for the owners?
A: Hardly. Even without a product to market, they also managed to kill the rival women’s league.
Q: Why couldn’t the ABL thrive in the void?
A: The WNBA had games on NBC, ESPN and Lifetime. The ABL was on the same channel as “Wayne’s World” and E. Buzz Miller.
Q: So which team is going to win the NBA championship this year?
A: What is this NBA you keep talking about? I only know of the JBA and the IBA.
Q: What’s the JBA?
A: That would be the Jordan Basketball Association, the professional game as we’ve known it in the 1990s.
Q: And the IBA?
A: That would be the Irrelevant Basketball Association, which is what we have now that Michael Jordan has retired.
Q: Why did Michael Jordan really retire?
A: Well, he talked to some of Tim Floyd’s former players at Idaho and learned how much fun it is to play for him.
Q: Is it true Michael is going to try to make it on the PGA Tour?
A: His game needs a lot of work, particularly his grip. Expect him to get some tips from David Ledbetter, or possibly Latrell Sprewell.
Q: People keep talking about how out of shape these guys are from the layoff, but these are professional athletes, right? How bad can it be?
A: I’m sure some guys have taken care of themselves, but the last time I saw Shawn Kemp, the word “Goodyear” was stamped across his belly.
Q: So how long is the exhibition season to get these guys ready?
A: Just 50 games, down from the usual 82.
Q: What does the NBA plan on doing to win back the affections of the fans?
A: Well, they’re planning to let you in free to intrasquad scrimmages. Next season, of course, those scrimmages will be part of the season-ticket package.
Q: Anything else?
A: The league is planning to be more interactive. For instance, some clubs plan on picking one fan each game to hold a camera on the baseline, where he can be kicked in the groin by Dennis Rodman.
Q: Say, what about Dennis? Where is he going to end up this year?
A: I heard something about an expansion franchise in Gomorrah.
Q: What about the Sonics? Since Jim McIlvaine was a big shot in the union, that probably had a real negative effect on his off-season development, right?
A: Like a briquette has on a glacier.
Q: Who’s coaching the Sonics this year?
A: If it isn’t Mike Holmgren or Rick Neuheisel, nobody cares.
Q: What’s the best quote to come out of the lockout?
A: Disqualifying anything said by Kenny Anderson, Patrick Ewing or Alonzo Mourning, it was Charles Barkley saying he’d accept any salary from the Houston Rockets: “If I have to play at the minimum, that’s cool. I have enough.”
Q: The second-best quote?
A: Agent Keith Glass, when asked if the new rules would limit the influence of agents: “Hey, we’re agents. We’re like rats. We can adapt to anything.”