Litigation-Crazy Eugster Would Muck Up Council

Attorney Steve Eugster wants our votes so he can join the Spokane City Council.

This is like the weasel petitioning the farm co-op for a job in the egg room.

Has anybody mucked up the system with more misguided litigation than citizen Eugster?

This suit-happy gadfly is relentless at attacking anything that bears a faint smell of progress.

The self-appointed president of the secretive Spokane Research and Defense Fund has gone after council legal bills, the River Park Square project, Post Street closure, a parking garage, the Lincoln Street bridge, a downtown improvement district …

His latest assault with a law degree involves trying to sneak a peek at City Manager Bill Pupo’s job evaluation.

This guy needs a hobby. He’s gone through more paper than a Marine barracks latrine.

To be fair, Eugster does win one of his anti-city rampages now and then. Yeah. Whenever the planet Neptune aligns with Uranus.

One shudders to imagine how city government would function with King Contrarian holding court on the Spokane City Council.

Thanks to the miracle of Doug-o-Vision, we need wonder no more. We only have to close our eyes and peer into the murky future for an advance look at citizen Eugster’s council debut.

Ah, yes. I can see it now:

Mayor: “Before we begin tonight’s meeting, please stand while 11-year-old Melissa Connifer of Bluebird Troop 413 leads us in our flag salute. Go ahead, Melissa.

Melissa: “I pledge allegiance to the …”

EUGSTER (standing) - “Er, point of order, Mr. Mayor, point of order.”

Mayor: “Pardon me, Melissa. The chair recognizes the new councilman.”

Eugster: “Thank you. I was just wondering why we always have to begin the meeting with our Pledge of Allegiance? I mean, why not put it in the middle? Or at the end, for that matter.”

Mayor: “Wellll, it’s just tradition. We always do it this way. I don’t see any harm in …”

Eugster: “I propose we table the salute until we can establish what the citizens want. All in favor?”

Mayor: “Now, Steeeve.”

Eugster: “Let’s form a committee and get a petition properly worded. I’ll write it, of course. I wouldn’t trust that cockroach of a city attorney with writing an indigent’s will. I’ll get my SRDF minions on it. I don’t see why we can’t get a flag salute initiative on the ballot by, oh, next fall.”

City attorney: “Ah, why don’t you just sit down so we can all stand and get this flag salute over.”

Melissa (crying): “I p-p-pledge allegiance …”

Eugster: “Point of order, Mr. Mayor.”

Mayor (squeezing his temples): “Oh, what now, Steve?”

Eugster: “Could I have the proper spelling of Melissa’s name?”

City attorney: “Oh, for crying out loud …”

Eugster (ignoring him): “Because she’ll have to be listed in the lawsuit.”

Mayor: “Lawsuit?”

Eugster (rolling steel ball bearings in his right hand): “Oh, yes. And I’ll want her report card, too. This is just the kind of corruption I got in here to fight. You’re all in cahoots. A bunch of puppets being yanked around by evil downtown developers. Well, I won’t have it. I’m suing every last one of ya. I’ll sue your children and their pets. You ever depose a gerbil? Well, I have and it’s not pretty.”

(He storms out the door. His voice grows fainter as it echoes down the hall.)

Eugster: “You won’t get away from ol’ Steve. Nossir. I’ll see you all in court.”

Melissa: “I p-p-pledge allegiance to the …”