Don’T Let Your Icing Get Licked, Cupcake

In response to the fun the Eastern media had with Spokane County’s Code of the West, The Spokesman-Review’s Hooterville bureau (hang a right at Greenacres) was able to obtain a copy of Code of the East, a heretofore unknown guide to survival in urban jungles. In the rare event that anyone out West would consider moving back East, here are excerpts:

1.1 - Youse got kids? Getouttahere! Look, Buffy and Jody were cute on “Family Affair,” but unless you’re bringing a Mr. French with you, we recommend leaving the rug rats behind. If they must live with you, think about leashes. When they get older, we recommend beepers and cell phones. However, on occasion, they will be detained as drug-dealing suspects, especially if they are African-Americans and such.

2.1 - Smell? Oh, that! You’ll get used to it.

3.1 - Feelin’ friendly? Here’s a handy rhyme that could save your Howdy Doody butt: Don’t look anybody in the eye and don’t say “Hi.” Oh, and stop with the “please” and “thank yous,” already.

4.2 - The junk you been eatin’ ain’t bagels, these are bagels.

5.1 - You have a car? Jeez … we don’t recommend cars. Nowheres to park and it’s faster to walk. And by walk we mean pickin’em up and puttin’em down, pal. None of this strollin’ and gawkin’ like you never seen a building before.

5.3 - Many streets were designed around cattle trails, so that could be a plus for a Westerner such as yourself. But get a map, Magellan, cause ain’t nobody gonna give you directions.

6.1 - You want adventure sports, Mr. REI? Jogging in a park is scarier than Rush Limbaugh in a buffet line. And river rafting is always a challenge, what with all them bodies to maneuver around.

6.2 - If it’s communing with nature you want, learn to be one with the cockroaches.

6.3 - At sporting events, you are to boo both teams but only throw objects at the opposing players. Longtime residents still get this one wrong.

6.4 - Look, bub, nobody cares that Mets manager Bobby Valentine was once a Spocaine Indian.

7.1 - About home ownership. Ahahahahahaha! Seriously, here’s the drill: Step 1: If you can’t get a rent-controlled apartment, share an overpriced dump with someone. Step 2: Read the obituaries daily for leads on rent-controlled places. Step 3: If Step 2 fails, get a job at a newspaper as an obituary writer. Step 4: If Step 3 fails, bribe a mortician for leads on stiffs before they hit the papers.

7.3 - Expensive electronics, such as your TVs, computers, car stereos and whatnot will get stolen. Now you could buy one of those “No Stereo” signs for your dashboard but that will probably get stolen, too.

7.5 - And you thought raccoons was pests. We got rats the size of Bronko Nagurski. Buy traps in bulk.

Miscellaneous - Subways? Don’t! Bicycles? Don’t! Borrow a cup of sugar? What, you gotta death wish or somethin’?

That’s it, lilac breath. Now, getouttahere!