Cheap Seats
Give him a tonsillectomy
Shaun Powell of Newsday writing on the firing of New Jersey Nets coach John Calipari:
“When the Nets bottomed out to 3-17 over the weekend and the firing line was formed, every player took a giant step backward and left Calipari standing alone.
“They weren’t going to defend him. Are you kidding? They couldn’t take him anymore. He was immature and bratty. They were sick of his college-boy shtick.
“For two plus years he coached every single possession. He embarrassed them in full view of family, friends and cameras. He showed more tonsils than Pavarotti.”
Mail it in
Dan Shaughnessy in the Boston Globe writing on the disputed draw in the Holyfield-Lewis fight:
“The boxing game is a quagmire of sleaze. It’s WWF without the good acting. Ears are bitten, landslides are ruled draws, and we’re supposed to wait breathlessly for the rematch… .
“(Boxing judge) Eugenia Williams awards the Oscar for the best picture to `The Postman.”’
The Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis decision is causing the boxing community to change the way it conducts business, says comedy writer Alan Ray.
“For all future title matches, the judges will attend the same fight as the fans.”
Wouda coulda if he wasn’t a Cub
Jay Mariotti in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Only in Cubdom does Kerry Wood become Kerry Would. Only in the land of billy-goat curses and dropped fly balls does a stud with a lethal arm see the elbow doctor at 21, fearing he’s through just as he got started.
“Roger Clemens wins five Cy Young awards and rules baseball into his mid-30s. Nolan Ryan is a scary SOB until he’s an old man.
“Kerry Would? He’s jinxed. He’s damaged goods. He injures a ligament as he’s making history. He’s a Cub.”
Whatever works
Tampa Bay Lightning forward Benoit Hogue, who wears No. 33, after scoring two goals against the Colorado Avalanche: “I’m playing better because I switched my numbers, but nobody could tell. I switched one 3 with the other 3. So my luck has changed.”
Racketeering gets a new meaning
From the Morning Line column in the Dallas Morning News: “Taking a cue from horse racing, some pro tennis tournaments are looking to gamblers to boost attendance.
“Spectators at the Italian Open tennis tournaments in Rome will be able to bet on matches for the first time this year, as two gaming companies will have stands on the grounds of Foro Italico.
“What a racket.”
The last word …
“I did that too when I played … only I used Hank Aaron’s videos.”
- Cincinnati Reds manager Jack McKeon, upon hearing that Greg Vaughn has a video of himself hitting home runs, so he can see what he does right.