Joel’S A Heartthrob In The Making

Mon., May 17, 1999

Brandon Janosky

‘N Sync, 98, New Kids on the Block. What do they all have in common besides boyish good looks and girlish good voices?

Their names.

Through extensive research of Christine’s CD collection, we have discovered some striking similarities among these popular boy bands.

More than 50 percent of the band members’ names begin with the letter “J.”

While Justin, J.C. and Joey of ‘N Sync “tear up” our hearts…and ears, heartthrobs Joey, Jordan and John of New Kids on the Block who kept us “hangin’ tough” all through the early ‘90s?

As a result of our vast calculations and unsubstantiated lies, we have determined that boys with J-names have a 12.8 percent better chance of joining a boy band.

Joel, we determined, was blessed at birth with the most important quality in becoming a pop star/teen heartthrob.

Brandon and Christine, on the other hand, will probably grow up to have some useless profession such as aeronautical engineering.

Note to readers: This article was not intended to offend anyone with or without J-names. Some of it may even be considered sarcastic.

with guest writer Christine Benedetti

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