Be Assertive When Friend Shows Anger

Mon., Nov. 8, 1999

Q. What do you do when a friend constantly directs anger at you, and you know you did nothing to offend them?

A. Tell her what it is like for you when she becomes angry with you. If you don’t see any changes, be more assertive. Let her know you can’t continue a friendship when she treats you this way. It would be helpful for you to look at why you’ve let her direct this anger toward you.

Fears of rejection and conflict are common reasons. This could be more troublesome for you in future relationships if you don’t learn early how to be assertive with people. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent & Adult counseling

A. Your friend’s anger may be a disguised plea for help. She’s probably dealing with more than you know, and it may be a sign that she needs to talk about something. Ask, “What’s really bothering you?” No matter how unfair or rude she’s being, avoid remarks that sound accusing. The last thing you want to do is provoke more anger.- Kathy Bula, East Valley

Q. It seems I’m “out of favor” with a teacher for no apparent reason. What can I do about this?

A. What does it mean to be “out of favor”? Is the grading unfair? Is the teacher disrespectful toward you? Are you being treated differently than other students? Make sure you are not contributing to the problem by being disrespectful or not meeting class expectations. Start by telling the teacher what you feel and ask if he has any problems with you. If necessary, go to a counselor. Be sure to tell your parents so they can support you. The issue is not whether the teacher or you like each other but if there is respect for one another. If you don’t speak up you will feel helpless and the teacher will continue the behavior that makes you feel out of favor. - Mainer

A. It’s only natural that you won’t get along with all teachers. But if things are really bad, or the situation’s bugging the heck out of you, think about how you act in class. Some teachers don’t like vocal students, whether they are loud and obnoxious or even just ask a lot of questions. You shouldn’t have to change for a teacher, but if you think this could be an issue, try toning it down a bit. Or, ask the teacher what you can do to make your time together a bit easier. - Bula

What’s your advice?

Q: How do I respond to guys at school who discriminate against me for being a girl? Q. I like this girl in one of my classes. She’s a friend, and recently it seems like she’s been flirting with me (she put her foot on mine the other day). I’m not sure if she likes me, and she is dating someone else. What should I do?

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