Understand Differences With Friend

Mon., Nov. 22, 1999

Q. My best friend just told me he is gay and now I’m not sure how to act around him. Any suggestions?

A. I admire your friend’s bravery in telling you. It is also a statement about who you are that he would share this with you. When someone in a friendship makes a big change there is a shift in the relationship. Differences come out and often there is discomfort about how to relate to each other. I would hope you would not have to “act” differently. If you keep up the friendship, understand your differences and be there for each other, I think your discomfort will ease. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent & Adult counseling

A. You don’t need to act differently at all. He is your best friend, and he obviously trusts you enough to tell you. Realize that as long as he knows you are not gay he will not try to influence you in any way or “come on” to you. The most important thing is for you to be there for him and support him. Most likely he hasn’t told many other people, if any. This is a difficult time for him, and because society is so homophobic, it probably took him a long time to accept it. Continue to do the things you always did to have fun, and talk to him normally. He needs your friendship. He trusts you not to freak out or blab about it. - Josh Silverstein, Lewis & Clark

Q. I can’t seem to get a boyfriend. All of my guy friends say they don’t want to “ruin our friendship.” How can I convince my friends to be more romance-minded?

A. Some of your language, such as, “get a boyfriend” and “convince my friends” makes me think you are trying too hard. Romance often starts with friendships.

Romance is not something that can be forced but rather develops when there is mutual affection. Stop pressuring these relationships for something more; this kind of intensity can lead to people backing off.- Stacey Mainer

A. Your guy friends are sending you a pretty clear message. They don’t want to go out with you. It doesn’t mean they hate you, they just don’t want to date you. Besides, don’t you want a guy who wants you? Don’t settle for anything less; a guy who only wants to be your friend is never going to be your ideal boyfriend.- Kathy Bula, East Valley

What’s your advice?

Q: I have a friend who openly and frequently criticizes his classmates’ school work. He was told this is hurtful but he continues to do it. What should I do?

Q. My two best friends are going out. I’m happy for them, but sometimes I feel like they use me to spend time with each other. How can I tell them I feel uncomfortable without them getting mad at me or breaking up?

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