Depression Puts Cloud Over Couple

“I should never have left my husband alone for a week,” says Dana, 35, an events planner and mother of 5-year-old twin girls. “When my parents invited us to join them on a cruise, Rik told me to go without him. He said he was feeling low and needed time by himself. When I came back, his mood was even worse.”

Dana says things have been going downhill ever since Rik quit his job as a marketing manager with a major firm.

“I know he wasn’t happy,” she says, “but he didn’t even bother to line up another position before he left. Now he hardly puts any effort into job-hunting. I don’t know what to do to snap him out of this funk. Rik is distant and withdrawn; even though he’s at home all the time, he doesn’t help with the chores and hardly ever plays with the girls. It’s awful living with such a gloomy man.”

Rik, 38, doesn’t deny that he’s been feeling down lately. “I feel like a failure and a loser,” he says. “I resigned because I was tired of being passed over for promotions. I should have been a vice president years ago. You don’t know what it feels like to be told you’re not good enough.”

Dana met Rik when she was hired by his company to coordinate a corporate party. They had their first date a few weeks later. “I knew Rik was the right guy - secure, stable and responsible,” Dana says. They married 15 months later, and their life as spouses and as parents seemed wonderful - until Rik left his job.

Last summer, Rik was offered a marketing job in Michigan, but he turned it down. “I know my in-laws would have been upset if we moved away, and they’ve never been crazy about me to begin with,” he says. “But now I realize what a mistake I made. My family and some of my friends live in that area, and I miss them. I could have made a new start. I’m tired of having to take Dana’s parents into account when it comes to decisions like where to move or go on vacation. They butt into our lives too much as it is.”

Dana disagrees. “Who’s to say things would be better in Michigan?” she says.

Rik desperately wants to make a fresh start, but he’s not sure how. “Dana’s parents think I’m not good enough for her - and unfortunately, they’re right,” he says. “But if we don’t move to Michigan, how am I going to get my life and marriage back together again?”

Diane Sanford, Ph.D., an author and clinical psychologist in St. Louis, says a physical move for this couple might not be a bad idea. “Dana’s attachment to her parents is making Rik feel more alienated. It’s difficult for him to get a fresh start in this environment,” she says. “It might be a good idea for Dana to re-evaluate her relationship with her parents. Right now there seems to be a little too much closeness, and Dana’s loyalties are divided between her husband and her parents.”

Rik’s image of himself as a failure had been well established long before he left his job, and it was clear to their counselor that he suffered from moderate depression. A psychiatrist put Rik on an antidepressant, and within a week, his mood lifted. Now he could begin looking at his life in a more positive light.

Dana and Rik’s love for each other was strong enough to survive this crisis. However, they desperately needed to learn how to communicate their deepest feelings.

Both partners practiced establishing eye contact during a discussion, asking specific questions, and then listening carefully to the answers.

It wasn’t long before things between them began to fall into place. Dana understood more clearly that Rik was uncomfortable with her parents’ intrusiveness, and she’s working on setting boundaries for them. She also assured Rik that they didn’t have to make important decisions based on how they would affect her family.

Dana suggested Rik visit Michigan for a week and see whether there were other job possibilities there. Though he didn’t find any promising prospects, he appreciated his wife’s support. Rik says, “It makes all the difference in the world to hear, `I’ve got faith in you,’ instead of `Why did you send out only two resumes this week?”’ Just a few weeks after his trip, Rik was offered a teaching post with an excellent salary at a local university.