Common Census Leads Me To Ask …

The census questionnaire you are holding, 4923.AX3, combines the “short” form previously mailed to all Americans with the traditional “long” form sent to selected households.

This resulting “fairly long” form retains the most important of the 13 long form queries about toilets in your home while adding new questions about the religious beliefs of your plumber.

Remember, filling out this form is quick, easy and immensely helpful to us, your government. We know you will be happy to comply. If not, you will be punished.

Start with the name of one person living here and call that person “Person One.”

1. How many people, Person One, would you estimate are living or residing in your domicile as of April 1, 2000? (DO NOT include students away at college, pets, family members currently in correctional facilities, people of the opposite sex who visit when your spouse is at the office, or contractors who are in the third year or more of redoing your kitchen.)

a. One

b. Two to seven

c. More than seven

d. Can’t be sure

2. Are you Hispanic?

a. Yes

b. No

3. If you answered Yes on 2, are you:

a. Spanish/Hispanic/Latino

b. Mexican/Mexican-American/Chicano

c. Puerto Rican or Salvadoran

d. Chicano/Cuban with a dash of Venezuelan

e. Hispanic but Portuguese, not Spanish

f. Hispanic but you haven’t listed me yet

g. Anglo but feeling positive about Ricky Martin

4. If you are not Hispanic, are you an AleutianAmerican, Guamanian or a Chamorro-American?

a. Definitely

b. Only on my wife’s side

c. What’s a Chamorro-American?

5. Never mind what a Chamorro-American is. If you are neither Hispanic nor a member of the Aleutian/Guamanian/Chamorro complex, which ethnic/racial box shall we put you in?

a. Black/African-American/Negro

b. Japanese

c. Korean

d. Asian Indian/Sri Lankan

e. Chinese/Tibetan/Taiwanese

f. Non-Hispanic native Filipino

g. Native Hawaiian/Polynesian/Easter Islander

h. Laotian/Thai/Hmong/Vietnamese

i. Non-Aleutian native American

j. Samoan/Pacific Islander

k. Burmese/Nepalese/Sherpa

l. Native of Quemoy or Matsu

m. White

n. Other

6. As of April 1, what was your sex? (Mark M for male, F for female, O for other.)

7. Are you sure you’re not Hispanic? We’re really looking for Hispanics

a. Still Hispanic

b. Still not Hispanic

c. OK, you convinced me. I’m Hispanic.

8. Was Person One, or were additional persons (for example, Persons Two or Three), living at this address (Address One) five years ago? If not, explain why you felt you had to move.

9. Is anyone in your household diabetic, a resident of New Jersey or otherwise disabled?

10. Please check two or more of the following so we can count you as disabled:

a. Do you ever have trouble remembering or concentrating?

b. Do you sometimes get tired or really thirsty?

c. Have you ever had bleeding gums or sprained an ankle?

d. When Person Two speaks, do you sometimes not hear her at all? (situational auditory disability) 11. How much money did you make in 1999? Why so little? Explain.

12. How many toilets do your have in your household?

a. None

b. One to five

c. Six or more

13. How often would you say you flush?

a. Nearly every time

b. Often but not sure

c. Why are you asking me this?

14. Sen. Trent Lott has alleged that there are flaws in this census. Would you agree? (Note: Be careful here.)

a. Flaws? You must be kidding.

b. This census is perfect. Loved the toilet questions.

c. It’s truly a representative federal program.

15. Do you feel that these questions are in any way intrusive? (Remember, if you check d. (Yes), several bulky men will show up at your door to ask why.)

a. Not at all. Glad to help.

b. Intrusive? My government? You make me laugh!

c. A bit, maybe. No, wait. Better make that no.

d. Yes, intrusive. Send bulky men now.