How A Simple Topic Becomes A Stinky Mess

It is a reasonable proposal, not unlike those in countless cities across the country. And yet like so many reasonable proposals it isn’t difficult to see how it can unravel.

Let’s listen in:

Councilman Pragmatic: “My proposed ordinance is simple, really. I would like to require that people carry bags while in city parks for the purpose of cleaning up after their dogs.”

Councilwoman Picayune: “How could we enforce such a thing? What would be the amount of the fine? And as for bags, paper or plastic?”

Pragmatic: “Let’s say $50 on the fine. The enforcement would come from citizens. Signs would be erected that would embolden people to use moral persuasion on inconsiderate dog owners. And we could be pro-choice on the type of bag. They could stick it in their pockets for all I care.”

Picayune: “No point in getting testy. I just don’t think it’s fair to favor one type of bag over another. Plus, there is an entire industry out there that produces various - excuse the phrase - pooper-scooper-type devices. They create good living-wage jobs.”

Pragmatic: “OK, drop the bag requirement.”

Councilman Liberty: “I worry about the slippery slope such a law could encourage. It seems to me, this is just another step toward confiscation of dogs as pets. First, we had to register them, then we had to leash them. Plus, we’re bombarded with spay, neuter and vaccination propaganda paid for with our hard-earned tax dollars. If we outlaw dogs …”

Pragmatic: “I don’t want your dog. I have my own. This is merely a public nuisance ordinance.”

Liberty: “I would like to read into the record a letter from the National Rottweiler Association. `Dear jack-booted thugs: We at the NRA are concerned by yet another law targeted at our constitutional right to possess a dog without the extreme controls advocated by government bureaucrats. We well remember the attempt to target `assault dogs’ after some alleged incidents where so-called victims got their comeuppance after provoking noble Rottweilers.”’ Pragmatic: “Is this really necessary? We’re talking about poop here.”

Liberty: “Let’s enforce our current litter laws, not create new ones. I don’t think we can afford to anger the NRA. They funded our instructional promos on how to remove your arm from a dog’s jaw, and they give generously to the city’s Holiday Fund and Camp Self-Defense.”

Pragmatic: “OK, drop Rottweilers from the ordinance.”

Councilwoman Nature: “My concern is for the waste that doesn’t get picked up. I would like to direct park staff to just leave it, because it’s good for the grass. We wouldn’t have to use as many harmful chemicals, which may very well be linked to cancer some day.”

Pragmatic: “Um, sure. Whatever.”

Picayune: “Here’s another thing: Shouldn’t the punishment fit the crime?”

Pragmatic: “I’m afraid, very afraid, that I don’t understand your point.”

Picayune: “Well, let’s face it, the odds of stepping in … um … the material left by a Newfoundlander are much greater than that of, say, a Chihuahua. I’ve seen ducks who leave bigger …”

Pragmatic: “I don’t like where this is headed.”

Picayune: “So, shouldn’t the fine be based on the weight of the dog, or the weight of the …”

Pragmatic: “Crap, I can’t believe this!”

Picayune: “It just seems to me that citizens are more adversely impacted by big dogs than …”

Liberty: “Ahem!”

Picayune: “Excluding Rottweilers, of course.”

Pragmatic: “OK, the fine will be based on a sliding scale. The farther one slides, the bigger the fine.”

Picayune: “Very funny. Look, this is your ordinance. If you’re not going to take it seriously …”

Pragmatic: “Actually, I would like to rescind the proposal. Is there any objection?”

Liberty: “Nope.”

Picayune: “Nope.”

Nature: “Nope.”

Pragmatic: “So be it. Next order of business?”

Council Clerk: “Proposal to introduce fluoride into the city’s water system.

Pragmatic: “This should go a lot more smoothly.”