Your Demeanor Can Mold Outcome

Mon., Dec. 4, 2000

Q. I’ve been dating someone of a different race and hiding it from my parents. We’re starting to get serious, and I want to tell my parents. I’m not sure how they’ll react. What should I do?

A. Remaining calm and respectful will help this discussion with your parents. Focusing on your boyfriend’s attributes should remind them that character and values determine positive relationships. Also, give your parents time to sort out their feelings, if indeed they are upset that your boyfriend is of a different race. If their first reaction is negative, it may change as they get to know him. It is important that you try to give your parents time with him.

Seeing how he treats you and recognizing you are happy will help them accept this relationship. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. adolescent and adult counseling

A. Be straightforward and honest with your parents about your dating relationship. Your parents may have trouble at first, but give them time. Be kind and gentle to them even if they don’t accept it. And hope that if your relationship is meant to be, it will survive. - Jennifer Kassner, Spokane Falls Community College

Q. I’m a teenager and the oldest of three kids. Ever since I was little, my parents have set and kept these rigid guidelines dealing with things like bed times and how old I had to be to get a raise in my allowance. With my little brother and sister, they raise their allowance all the time and barely notice when they go to bed. I don’t understand why I have to fight for everything, and they just get it. How can I persuade my parents to handle us all the same?

A. First you need to clarify what you want from your parents. Do you want more freedom or do you want your siblings to have more rules? What you are describing often happens to firstborn children. Parents learn what works with the firstborn and use that knowledge with the other children. The result can be either stricter boundaries or more flexible rules. It sounds like your siblings are living under more flexible rules. What about talking to your parents about your frustrations? Perhaps you can come to a compromise once you have identified what you want. - Stacey Mainer

A. Parents often believe that as children get older, they are entitled to more privileges and responsibilities. Maybe you’ve only noticed that your siblings got a raise in their allowance, but have you noticed if they’re doing more chores? You may only be seeing the privileges, not the responsibilities. Take notice of everything, and you may see it’s really not all that unfair. - Jennifer Kassner

What’s your advice?

Q. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years, and I can’t get rid of him. He calls all the time and stops by to “talk to my mom.” And my mom, who thinks I was crazy for breaking up with him, talks to him like he’s family. I wouldn’t hurt him for all the world, but I’m just 17 and want to explore the dating world a little. It hurts to see him. What should I do?

Q. My best friend’s father recently died in a horrible accident that made the news. She’s devastated by his death, and she also has to deal with the fact everyone knows. She feels overwhelmed by his death and the public nature of dealing with it. She’s really struggling and doesn’t want to go back to school. How can I help her?

Answer these questions - or submit your own questions - by writing to: Our Generation/Advice, 999 W. Riverside, Spokane, WA 99201. Fax (509) 459-5098 or e-mail ourgeneration@spokesman.com. Please include your name and school for our records.

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