Former Beau Keeps Hanging Around

Mon., Dec. 11, 2000

Q. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years, and I can’t get rid of him. He calls all the time and stops by to “talk to my mom.” And my mom, who thinks I was crazy for breaking up with him, talks to him like he’s family. I wouldn’t hurt him for all the world, but I’m just 17 and want to explore the dating world a little. It hurts to see him. What should I do?

A. When a relationship ends, whether slowly or abruptly, one or both parties may have unanswered questions or remain hopeful that things will change in the future. To try to keep this from happening, you may have to be very direct with your ex-boyfriend about why you need to end the relationship and exactly how (or if) you want him in your life. You need to explain to your mom that you need distance from your ex-boyfriend and that she can support you by having less contact with him. If your mom isn’t agreeable to this, ask if she will have him over when you’re not there. While you don’t want to hurt him, he inevitably will be sad because your relationship ended. If you’re respectful of him and clear about what you want, it may help ease his pain. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent and Adult counseling

A. First, talk to your mom. She was a teenager once, too, and she will understand how you feel. She might be able to talk to your ex-boyfriend and explain to him that you’re not ready to see him right now. As for your ex-boyfriend, tell him how much he means to you and that you would never want to hurt him. Explain to him that you want to explore the dating world. Tell him that you still want to be friends but that you’re not ready for a serious relationship right now. - Jamie Bates, West Valley

A. Be honest about your feelings with your ex-boyfriend and your mom. Tell your ex-boyfriend how it hurts to see him and that you want him to leave you alone. Tell your mom how you feel and ask that she respect your wishes. - Jennifer Kassner, Spokane Falls

Q. My best friend’s father recently died in a horrible accident that made the news. She’s devastated by his death, and she also has to deal with the fact everyone knows. She feels overwhelmed by his death and the public nature of dealing with it. She’s really struggling and doesn’t want to go back to school. How can I help her?

A. You are a very good friend to understand the difficulties your friend is facing and want to help her. If people ask you about your friend and the death, let them know this is a very sad time for her. Tell them your friend needs a simple “I’m sorry” as opposed to questions about what happened. And if you hear people talking about your friend, assertively tell them to stop or change the subject. By doing this for your friend, the students may come to understand your friend’s need for privacy. Remember that part of grieving is acknowledging others’ love and concern. Although it may be painful to hear these condolences, it also can be heartwarming for your friend to know that people care. - Stacey Mainer

A. Give her time to recover. Losing a loved one is a traumatic experience. Be there for her in whatever way she needs, whether it’s going through family photos or just hanging out at the mall. If you’re really worried about her, you might consider contacting a counselor who has experience dealing with these kinds of situations. - Julie Kanago, Central Valley

A. Dealing with death is difficult. You never know when or if it’s a good idea to talk about it. Just be there for your best friend when she needs you. And be aware of those people who will push her to talk about it when she’s not ready. Try to rescue her from those situations. - Keyanna Dos Santos, Shadle

What’s your advice?

Q: I asked this girl out, and she said she couldn’t go because she has a boyfriend. She said she doesn’t want to cheat on him but that she likes me a lot. We still talk and flirt all the time. I want to ask for her phone number and persuade her to dump this other guy. Is that a bad idea?

Q. I’ve made it to my junior year in high school and haven’t had a real boyfriend. All my closest friends already have had several. It’s not that guys aren’t interested in me. It’s just that as soon as I start to like a guy and he likes me back, I see all his personality flaws and lose interest. My friends say I’m too picky. What should I do?

Local journalism is essential.

Give directly to The Spokesman-Review's Northwest Passages community forums series -- which helps to offset the costs of several reporter and editor positions at the newspaper -- by using the easy options below. Gifts processed in this system are tax deductible.

Meet Our Journalists

Jesse Tinsley

Meet Jesse Tinsley. As a certified drone pilot, this veteran Spokesman-Review photographer often can be seen capturing beautiful aerial photographs of our region. Sometimes though, the job requires getting down with the dogs.
Jim Meehan

Jim Meehan is no stranger to Zag Nation. As the lead writer covering the Gonzaga men’s basketball team, he tells the stories behind the game and gets fans a bit closer to their favorite players.
Molly Quinn

There is no artist in Spokane like Molly Quinn. Her whimsical style is instantly recognizable to readers of The Spokesman-Review. She has painted gorgeous illustrations that instantly elevate the journalism accompanying it. She brings to life the stories that defy photography. She makes our pages better.
Rob Curley

Spokesman-Review editor Rob Curley loves to talk with people and learn about their lives, whether it's a best-selling author or a stranger he meets downtown on his walk to lunch. It's that inquisitive nature combined with a playful sense of storytelling that helps make our newspaper different than most.