Pretend It’S 1973, And Those Bengals Will Be Right In It

Here is the NFL playoff picture as of this hour (for the exact time in your area, look at your watch):

The Saints clinch a playoff berth with a win against Atlanta and either a Lions loss or tie (vs. Jets) or a Buccaneers loss (vs. Rams).

Revised tie-breaking procedures for wild cards, after head-to-head meetings and conference record, eliminates whichever team allowed the Cleveland Browns to score.

The Cardinals were officially eliminated in Week 2 by league-wide acclamation.

The Steelers, a k a the Team of Destiny, can still make the postseason if everyone just backs off for a minute and allows me to take a closer look at how to do this.

The Bengals are in the playoffs if the league reverts to its 1973 standings.

The Redskins can clinch a wild-card berth if Tampa Bay loses its final two games, New Orleans loses its final two games, Detroit loses its final two games, Green Bay loses one more game and Joan Lunden gives birth to an ostrich.

The NHL, as is customary, authorized all its teams Tuesday to start printing playoff tickets.

And please remember: Nobody - and I mean nobody - controls his own destiny.

By the way, how about the current Giants-Eagles situation in the NFC East? Remarkably, it mirrors the recent Gore-Bush situation in the election. Gore had more votes, but Bush won. The Giants (10-4) have the better record, but the Eagles (10-5) are in the playoffs. Huh. This is a tough, tough country.

Incidentally, to spur even more interest next season, the NFL is considering switching to a BCS-style format to determine the Super Bowl representatives.

(TV Note: “Fox NFL Sunday” will do its pregame show this week aboard the USS Harry S Truman. Next week, CBS’ “NFL Today” will do its show from the Hindenburg.)

(Quality-of-Life Note: Instant coffee - better than ever. Instant replay - worse than ever.)

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Chargers at Panthers (-8): Remember when you had a substitute teacher in elementary school and everyone would just goof off? That’s what happens to Chargers practice every day when Mike Riley walks in… . Seeking even a lower profile, Chargers QB Ryan Leaf has switched weekly paycheck to “automatic deposit.” Pick: Chargers.

Giants (-5-1/2) at Cowboys: Even when Giants break up into small discussion groups, no one is allowed to speak… . Giants CB Jason Sehorn to serve as Madonna’s unofficial wedding advisor… . One day, some day, The Man is going to be in a New York Giants’ state of mind. That day is not today. Pick: Cowboys.

Titans (-15-1/2) at Browns: While coming up with last week’s unconventional game plan, Browns coach Chris Palmer also discovered a great recipe for egg nog. … In a surprise move, Florida Supreme Court ruled Titans winners of last year’s Super Bowl and “set aside” Mike Jones’ game-saving tackle. Pick: Titans.

Jaguars (-10) at Bengals: Top candidates to become Bengals’ next head coach: Marty Schottenheimer, Sam Wyche, Cris Collinsworth, Bobby Ross (half season), Pete Rose, Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP and the late Paul Brown. Pick: Jaguars.

Raiders (-6) at Seahawks: You’ve got to figure if Raiders TE Rickey Dudley were a postal carrier, he’d drop the occasional parcel… . To practice knocking opposing quarterbacks out of game, Raiders linemen play Dead or Alive 2 on Tuesdays. Pick: Raiders.

Broncos (-3) at Chiefs: Chiefs coach Gunther Cunningham called a timeout last Sunday to “ice” the replay official… . I was in the drug store the other day and got stuck in the checkout line behind Bill Romanowski. Pick: Chiefs.

Lions at Jets (-6): If aliens are looking down at the Meadowlands on a Jets Sunday and see the mass of inhumanity gathered, they have to be thinking, “We can take these people.” Pick: Lions. Patriots at Bills (-4): Bills QB Doug Flutie has approached Amnesty International regarding officially being listed as political prisoner of the brutal Wade Phillips regime. Pick: Bills.

Redskins (-1) at Steelers: Taking a cue from Mario Lemieux, Redskins highhanded honcho Daniel M. Snyder took a few snaps at quarterback during Wednesday practice. Pick: Steelers.

Falcons at Saints (-10): Falcons QB Chris Chandler spent bye week working on his PhD dissertation, “It’s Not a Contact Sport, It’s a Collision Sport.” Pick: Saints.

Rams (-1) at Buccaneers: If Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, then Kurt Warner World must be a close second. Pick: Rams.

Colts at Dolphins (-3): Plays on Dolphins QB Jay Fiedler’s wristband replaced by periodic table of elements. Pick: Colts.

Packers at Vikings (-7-1/2): Vikings C Matt Birk (Harvard ‘84) regularly translates game plan into Latin. Pick: Packers.

Ravens (-14-1/2) at Cardinals: Out of solutions, Cardinals have established first nudist training table in NFL. Pick: Cardinals.

Bears at 49ers (-6): As expected, 49ers added emergency blinkers to defensive huddle. Pick: 49ers.

Last week: 7-8. Season record: 104-107-5.