Choose Among Road Teams And Road Kill
What if they held a Super Bowl with no Super Bowl teams? The NCAA annually has March Madness; the NFL this year has a January Junkyard. Each team in the Super Bowl tournament is a bunch of spare parts in search of an engine.
This is The Dirty Dozen.
Even the only semi-standout of the group, Tennessee, is a mudder. The Titans often win slow and ugly. Before the season ended with the Titans on a 90-3 roll against three bad teams, eight of the Titans’ earlier 13 games were decided by six points or fewer.
Every playoff representative has a major design flaw. Teams that can score can’t stop the opponent from scoring; teams that can stop the opponent from scoring can’t score themselves.
If this were a beauty pageant, nobody would win.
The Broncos lost to the 4-12 Bengals and the 5-11 Patriots.
The Saints don’t have any running backs or a playoff victory in franchise history.
The Eagles don’t have any running backs or wide receivers.
The Colts can’t play two good halves and their coach is 0-5 in postseason.
The Vikings can’t play defense and their coach is 3-7 in postseason.
The Ravens went five straight games without scoring a touchdown.
The Dolphins have an offense that only an orchestra conductor’s distant relative could love.
The Rams have a defense better designed for Arena ball.
The Buccaneers can’t stand the heat when it gets too cold.
The Raiders, at all times, are just two or three personal fouls away from losing.
And don’t get me started on the Giants.
(Speaking of which, let’s revisit the subject of the Giants and the Jets. I’ve received hundreds of e-mails scolding me on my misprognostication of New Jersey’s finest. Since the Giants and Jets each were 3-0, I stated repeatedly that each would finish 8-8. Well, I was very, very wrong about the 12-4 Giants. Ah, but the Jets? They finished 9-7 and missed the playoffs. How far off was I there? So far off, that I was nearly DEAD RIGHT.)
(In the other area of my much-maligned early predictions, I must salute my near Team of Destiny, the Steelers, and myself. At season’s start, I wrote, “Coach Bill Cowher will manage to rally the team to a 9-7 record and playoff berth… . The key is Kordell Stewart, who will resuscitate his flagging career. By Week 6, I expect he again will be the Steelers’ starting quarterback.”
The Steelers, despite an 0-3 start, finished 9-7 and just missed the playoffs. The Man, who remains somewhat human, is very proud of this effort and result.)
Anyway, this postseason, my friends, the road to the Super Bowl will be littered with road teams. If you do not read another word I write - which, of course, would be a blessing in disguise for many of you - just read this: I’m taking all road teams all the time from here to Tampa.
So, in the AFC, after the Colts upend the Dolphins, they then will go to Adelphia Coliseum - where the Titans never never ever lose - and beat Tennessee, reversing last season’s Titans upset of the Colts in Indianapolis. And in the NFC, those crazy, carnival-like Rams will win a dome game in New Orleans, go to the blustery Jersey swamplands and beat the Giants, then win another dome game in Minnesota.
Which gives us a highly entertaining Indianapolis-St. Louis Super Bowl XXXV, pitting two teams that couldn’t stop a hedgehog from crossing a highway.
As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:
Broncos at Ravens (-3): Since mid-season, the Broncos are 7-1, scoring 30, 27, 38, 38, 38, 31 and 38 points in their victories. The Ravens don’t get that many points unless Matt Stover kicks 10 field goals. I’m going with Mike Shanahan over Brian Billick in this one, although I know Billick is very close to breaking through on a new scientific discovery involving the isochronous property of the pendulum. Pick: Broncos.
Colts (-1-1/2) at Dolphins: Frankly, I don’t care that the Colts’ Jim Mora is 0-5 in the playoffs. Richard Nixon was 0-2 in big elections in the 1960s before knocking off Hubert Humphrey in ‘68. Plus, the last time we saw these Dolphins in postseason, precisely one year ago, they lost by a score of 62-7. That sounds about right to me again. Pick: Colts.
Buccaneers (-2-1/2) at Eagles: Just for the record, that stupid Buccaneers weather stat used to be that they hadn’t won when it was 42 degrees or colder, until they won a game on a 40-degree day. So now it’s 39 degrees or colder, and one day it will be “Tampa Bay is 0-3 when the game is played on Pluto.” Pick: Buccaneers.
Rams (-6) at Saints: The Saints are a wonderful story, but who among us doesn’t want to see the Rams’ other-worldly, extraterrestrial air show go on for as long as possible? Pick: Rams.
Last week: 7-8. Final regular-season record: 121-119-6*.
(* Whew - that was close. Saved my job again! Rebounding from my only losing season ever, The Man is proud to say the off-season weight work paid off. Not to mention, I study game film like Aaron Spelling studies head shots.)