Teach Kids To Entertain Themselves

Q. I have two sons, 3 and 5, with whom I’m at home during the day. How much time should I be spending one-on-one, sitting down with them, and playing with them? I want to do it enough that they are stimulated and given attention, and yet not so much that I hamper their creativity and ability to play independently.

A. You are by no means obligated to get down on the floor and play with 3-and 5-year-old children, ever. If you feel like doing so, fine, but by age 3, a child should be able to keep himself occupied.

I know, the “attachment parenting” hoax is causing parents to feel they’re being lazy, if not downright irresponsible, if they don’t do the “Mommy is your playmate!” thing for 23.8 minutes a day, every day, with each of their kids.

During the first two years or so of a child’s life, a home should be child-proofed such that the child can roam and explore pretty much to his heart’s desire. If parents take the time to create a safe, interesting environment, even a toddler can keep himself occupied for relatively long periods of time.

Certainly, for parents to want to play with this age child, to make him smile and laugh, is a good and natural thing. And most definitely, parents should read to children every day from no later than 8 months to no less than when the child is reading well on his or her own. But by age 3, the child should be a self-starter and self-sustainer where play is concerned.

If a 3-year-old can’t play on his own, his parents haven’t taught him how to play, or have created an environment that does not promote it such as, the television is on all the time, or the child has too many toys.

Psychologist Burton White, author of “The First Three Years of Life” (Fireside, $14), says that the primary indicator of good emotional health in a 3-year-old is the ability, as a rule, to play on his own for long periods of time.

My mom, a single parent for most of the first seven years of my life, is a good example of what I’m talking about. Instead of playing with me, she taught me how to occupy myself creatively. She bought me finger paints and showed me how to use them. On a rainy day, she’d put butcher paper on the kitchen floor, and I’d finger paint while she went about her tasks. By the time I was 5, Mom had taught me how to make papier-mache, with which I made a tunnel for my train set, animal “sculptures,” and many other works of art. She bought me Lincoln Logs and taught me how to build with them. Once she had taught me how to do something, she expected me to play on my own from that point on.

My mom was by no means unique for her generation, because other people my age report similar memories of mothers who’d demonstrate, but not be playmate. Did we get enough attention? On average, I’m sure we did, and where one of us did not receive enough attention, that had nothing to do with a mom who didn’t get down on the floor and play.

By today’s standards, we baby boomers were just shy of neglected; nonetheless, we had acceptably happy childhoods (again, on average), which is about as happy as a childhood ever gets anyway. Most important, the peers I’ve spoken to about this are unanimous in feeling that their childhoods would not have been one bit happier had their mothers served as their playmates 23.8 minutes a day.

You have not just one child who has reached his third birthday, but two. Therefore, not only can you reasonably expect each of your kids to play on his own, you should also expect them to be playmates.

You don’t teach a child to play by playing with him.